Nick: Can we please stop competing with these fad bars? I hate fads, man.
Schmidt: Nick, just a small little piece of important, friendly advice: you need to give your Ds more emphasis. Fads.
Nick: What I said.
Schmidt: You're gonna get yourself in trouble.
Nick: By hating fads?
Schmidt: That's... maybe just change it to "trendy" bars. Or "hip" bars.
Nick: We need to stop competing with trendy, hip fad bars?

Schmidt: Give us a chance to, first, apologize and, second, give you a little bit of context here. You see, [chuckles] we thought that you attacked our bar.
Connie: Why would I attack a bar that has no one in it? And if I did want to attack you, I would just report you for one of your numerous health code violations.
Schmidt: Some improvements definitely need to be made. We... we found a dead fox in the keg room the other week.
Nick: We're not sure it was a fox. Uh, it was an animal that had died in our keg room that was bigger than a cat but smaller than a big dog...

Nick: Unbelievable. I had to park two blocks away, like an animal. The new bar, Presh, is doing valet and they took all of our spots.
Schmidt: I've been saying for months that we need valet. Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys in the general direction of someone you care nothing about? "Keep it running."