Cece: Wait! What if this... this was Connie's plan the entire time? Okay, she knew we would be so paranoid that we would drive all the customers out of the bar and start fighting with each other.
Schmidt: Connie emptied this entire bar without lifting a finger. Nick, you may not like her, but you must admit she is brilliant.
Nick: I don't have to admit that. But I will say you've made something crystal clear. I'm alone. I'm all alone.
Schmidt: Oh, here we go.
Nick: So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna handle this myself, all alone. I'm gonna call a meeting of the families...
Schmidt: Oh, Lord.
Nick: ...a sit-down with all the businesses on the block, and you are not invited.
Schmidt: Okay, fine.
Nick: Shh. Just take the rejection.

Jess: Sam, you were right to take a restraining order against me because, ever since I saw you again, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm not the girl you used to know. I'm really together now. I know I just went through a car wash, but...
Sam: [kisses Jess] I'm still very mad at you.
Jess: As you should be.
Sam: You taste like soap.
Jess: I feel like I'm on Grey's Anatomy in these scrubs.
Sam: I don't know what that means.

Winston: 300 feet away from each other... now!
Jess: No! We figured it out.
Winston: Jessica Day, take your hands off of this man. Dr. Sam, friend face: good to see you. Cop face: 300 feet away from her.
Sam: When did you become a cop, dude?
Winston: Oh, not too long ago.
Sam: Congrats.
Winston: Thank you. I appreciate that. It's nothing, you know. I get to do a lot of cool stuff on the job. I once slid across the hood of a car. I scratched it all up. I didn't have to pay for it, you know. 'Cause I'm a cop, so... [laughs] 300 feet away.

Nick: I've gathered the families here today, to end this terrible, terrible, unnecessary war. So, thank you. Connie and I have had our battles, but today we make our peace. She's of the north. She's the owner of Presh.
Connie: What is this? I only came because you said you were suing me for what I did, which, by the way, was nothing.
Nick: I lied to ensure your presence.
Connie: Good Lord.
Nick: Over here, we have Peter Verrebian.
Peter: [muffled] Yes.
Nick: Enjoying the pasta. He is also the owner of Produce/Cold Beer/Ice. Peter, I know that's what the sign above your market says. Is that the name of your establishment?
Peter: Yes.
Cece: Very creative.
Nick: Oh, and AnaLysa from AnaLysa's Nails wanted to be here, but she couldn't find somebody to cover her register. And if you've ever gone in that place, it's messy. Like, it's not a great... establishment.
Nick: How did things get this far, everybody?
Connie: This is so weird.

Schmidt: Connie... you know, Presh may have booths made of reclaimed wood and carefully curated artisanal flatware... but this bar will have something that your fancy place will never have.
Connie: What's that?
Schmidt: Nick Miller.
Connie: Oh. Well. No, we'll never have that.
Schmidt: Of course I'm proud that this bar breaks even, but I think that you can do better than that. I didn't just invest in this bar, Nick. I invested in you.
Nick: No, you didn't. You don't have equity in me, and we're... I get it. Hey, Connie... yours isn't the only bar on the block that has valet, starting immediately.
Schmidt: [sniffling quietly]
Nick: We have valet, kiddo. We got valet. [voice breaking] You got valet.
Peter: This is beautiful.
Nick: The valet's yours. The valet's yours.
Connie: Um... Are they in love?
Cece: Yes. Very much so.

Connie: This is good. This is really good.
Nick: Uh, yeah. My buddy Andy makes it in his basement. I'm not allowed to say anything else about it, though.
Connie: Wow, I'm not kidding. I think this is the best whiskey that I've ever had.
Nick: You want to go out with me sometime?
Connie: What? No. No. No, no, no. Never. Never.
Nick: But the whole back and forth with, like, the fish and getting mad at each other...
Connie: Never. Never.
Nick: When you came back and threw the fish down...? Nothing...?
Connie: Where did you get there, from "I like this whiskey" to...?
Schmidt: What the hell was that?
Nick: You know what? Let it go. Let it go. This was, this is my mistake. It was a misread...
Connie: I would sooner make love to Peter and his mouthful of spaghetti.
Peter: [smacking] Pass.
Connie: Okay, Peter. Cheers.

Winston: Wow. Powerful stuff. [wry chuckle] But I think we both know that it was for the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been dealing with this all day and I got some chores to get done. Cat box to clean, juice to popsicle-ize...

Jess: Sam! Sam, wait! Wait! Sam! Sam! Hi. Look, I want to say I lied. I said that I've grown up; I don't know that I have. I just said that 'cause it sounded good.
Sam: Get in. [they kiss] Oh, are we crazy?
Jess: Yes! Oh. Ow! Sorry. Ow. Yeah, yeah. No. Sorry. No. Sorry.
Sam: Let me get this through the steering wheel here. Kiss my neck while I get the steering wheel. [horns honking] Over there. Quite a bit of traffic building up back there.
Jess: They can wait. [horns honking] Actually, I... I really feel bad for them. They're all... they have to get somewhere, too.
Sam: They're getting a bit angry.
Jess: Yeah, okay. Let's go to your place.

Jess: This would've been a better plan if I knew what he drives. [sighs] A lot of black cars.