Abby: Hey, Sherlock Holmes. Come here. We're trying to figure out who did this.
Adrian Monk: This is a human caucasian buttocks.
Greg: Yeah.
Abby: Yeah, we know. But whose caucasian buttocks?
Greg: Gotta be Chilton.
Chilton Handy: Go to hell.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, this is Ben.
Frances: Real mature, Ben!
Ben: [laughs]
Abby: How'd you know?
Adrian Monk: Well, the staples go out, not in. Ben's is the only stapler in the office set to do that.

Adrian Monk: It's louder than I thought it would be.
Natalie: Do you really think that guy killed somebody and broke Warren Kemp's hand just to win a bowling trophy?
Adrian Monk: I know it's crazy, but look at him. He's completely obsessed. And not in a good way, like me. Plus, he's a toothpick chewer.
Natalie: Does he have an alibi for Monday night?
Adrian Monk: Good question.

Abby: Adrian, you're up.
Adrian Monk: Me?
Abby: We need someone to fill in for Mr. Kemp. Why do you think we asked you to come?
Adrian Monk: Because I'm one of the gang.
Abby: Here's your shirt. Find a ball.

Adrian Monk: Hey, did you watch that comedy show on TV Monday night?
Chilton Handy: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was about this family that argued all the time, and the father was always wrong. You could hear the audience laugh. So you knew it was funny.
Chilton Handy: I missed it.
Adrian Monk: Where were you?
Chilton Handy: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: Monday night, did you go out?
Chilton Handy: Are you a cop?
Adrian Monk: No.
Chilton Handy: Then I don't have to talk to you, do I?

Natalie: Mr. Monk, we need to talk.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, look at this. Chilton has an alibi. He was here Monday night. He bowled a 294. I don't know what to think.
Natalie: Well, I think Warren Kemp's involved.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: Maybe the SEC was right. That it's an inside job. Now, I do not trust that guy.
Adrian Monk: Well, I thought we liked him. I thought we liked him a lot.
Natalie: Well, we don't. You know what? I'll just meet you outside. I gotta get some air.

Lieutenant Disher: We recovered the bullets, . 45 caliber. They're comparing it now. Something else, too, sir. It's pretty big. Don't worry, you don't have to sit down. I mean, you can sit. I mean, sit or stand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I walk away?
Lieutenant Disher: I'll just tell you. The victim, Angela Dirks, she was an interior designer. We found some recent invoices. Guess what? She was working for Pross Financial Services.

Natalie: There's gotta be a connection, don't you think? [Monk is silent] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: That was our table. We ate nachos.
Natalie: You ate nachos?
Adrian Monk: No. But I pretended to. And then later, Ben made a copy of his Caucasian buttocks. Which was very funny. Although I don't know exactly why.

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh, what is that?
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: There's, there's something, is that a hair?
Natalie: Where? No, it's okay. It's just celery.
Adrian Monk: [grins] Natalie. I think I know what happened.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case!
Natalie: Why are you talking like that?
Adrian Monk: You see that guy by the window? The guy in the green jacket. When I said there was something in your soup, he reacted. He looked at his soup.
Natalie: His suit?
Adrian Monk: His soup, soup!
Natalie: Well, maybe he heard you.
Adrian Monk: No, he couldn't have. He must have read my lips. He can read lips! That explains everything.
Natalie: It does?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he's been sitting at that same table every time I've been in here. He must have been sitting there about a month ago. At some point, he looked out the window, and he saw something. Something worth millions of dollars.
Natalie: What? What did he see?
Adrian Monk: He saw Warren Kemp. He's been reading Warren's lips! From that table. He has a perfect view into Warren's office. Buyouts, mergers, that kind of inside information is worth a fortune. Don't look! Don't. He's staring right at us.
Natalie: I'm sure everyone is, the way you're grinning.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. He'll just think we're in love.
Natalie: You don't look like you're in love. You look like somebody who's had some sort of industrial accident.

Natalie: Here, just I don't get it. Why would he break Warren's hand?
Adrian Monk: [covers mouth with a menu] Because Warren redecorated his office last week. Remember? You noticed it yourself.
Natalie: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: He turned his desk around, so that when he held the phone in his right hand, he was blocking his mouth. Somehow he had to get Warren to switch hands.
Natalie: That's what all this is about? So he would hold the phone in the other hand?
Natalie: Why would he kill the decorator?
Adrian Monk: [holds cup to his mouth] She was planning to put curtains up, remember? That would have ruined everything. Oh, my God. Here he comes.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, with this mirror, he could have been reading my lips.
Man: Think you figured something out, huh? What do you say we all take a walk outside and talk about it?

Natalie: I'm gonna grab the gun.
Man: I can hear you. I was born deaf, but I'm okay now. Modern science. Now let's go.
Natalie: Okay, okay, we're going, we're going. But you're making a huge mistake. Do you know who this man is? He's... [screams in his ear]
Adrian Monk: [grabs the gun] All right, don't move! Stay where you are! Don't worry. It's okay. I used to be a cop.
Natalie: I'm calling the captain.
Adrian Monk: Now, wait, wait. Could you- Could you first call Mr. Wok's?
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: That's where the gang is eating. I'd really love them to see this.