Natalie: What do you think? Psst, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure this is how the Nazis decorated their bunkers.

Lieutenant Disher: Dr. Bloom, this is Adrian Monk. He's a friend of mine.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: The Adrian Monk, the detective? It's a pleasure to meet you. [holds out hand] Apparently, the pleasure's all mine.
Natalie: No, he just has a little thing about dentists.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: You know what? It happens to me all the time. I don't take it personally. [Monk drops his file] Let me help you with that. Oh, are you working on the armored car case? I've been reading about it. I'm a bit of a true crime aficionado.
Natalie: I'm sorry, that's just classified.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you got a couple of hobbies then, huh? True crime and baseball.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Baseball?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, yeah, I'm sure I heard you guys talking about Barry Bonds yesterday.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, you know what? People hear a lot of crazy things when they're under sedation. They say a lot of crazy things too. I should write a book, really.

Captain Stottlemeyer: A couple of fishermen just found him.
Adrian Monk: These two bruises, ten inches apart. There's another set of bruises exactly ten inches apart.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what caused that?
Adrian Monk: Well, it must be something ten inches apart.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thanks a lot.

Lieutenant Disher: Oh, my God. That's the guy. That's the guy from the dentist's office.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I told you to take some time off.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no. Captain, that's the guy. I told you I could ID him. And that is definitely the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, this is the guy that your dentist killed along with his hygienist?
Lieutenant Disher: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This the guy that they killed in front of you while you were in the chair.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right, because Dr. Bloom kidnapped Barry Bonds, and they were arguing about the ransom money, right?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, what, is that so crazy? [Patterson laughs] What the hell are you laughing at, Peterson? I'm not crazy.
Natalie: Okay, nobody said you were crazy, Randy.
Detective Patterson: Out loud.
Downey: While you were there you should've had them put some wisdom teeth in.
Natalie: Hey, you can't even spell wisdom teeth, Downey.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, are you going to investigate this or not?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you were sedated. You couldn't have seen anything.
Lieutenant Disher: Fine, I quit.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You what?
Lieutenant Disher: No, I quit. I'm sick and tired of being treated like the village idiot. Here's my gun and my badge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, come on.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm not a joke. I'm not here to entertain you. I'm a homicide detective.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, don't be ridiculous.
Lieutenant Disher: Take it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's he doing?
Natalie: Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist again.
Adrian Monk: [muffled] Uh, just pretend I'm not here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, cut it out, I mean it. This is a floss-free zone.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Since right now. Cut it out.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. Can I talk to Mick Jagger for a second?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sure. All right, guys, take a break, huh? Oh, it's a really good job so far, though. Really good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How's it going?
Lieutenant Disher: It's good. It's great. Man, I should have done this years ago.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Um, you gotta send me a T-shirt or a hat or something. Or whatever. Um, listen, I thought you might be interested. We caught a break on the armored car thing. We identified the body. Guy's name is Denny Jardeen. He's an ex-cop. He's got a cousin who's done some time who works for a trucking company. So we're gonna go pick him up. I thought you'd like to come along.
Lieutenant Disher: Why? I mean, I'm not a cop anymore, Leland. Captain. Look at my notebook. No more witness statements. Just lyrics and song ideas now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're writing songs?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I wrote 17 last night. I'm on fire.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you are. Uh, I also wanted to apologize about the dentist. It's just that over the years you've had... so many unique theories.
Lieutenant Disher: I wasn't hallucinating.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I checked Dr. Bloom out myself on my own time. The guy is clean. He's got no priors. He's never been in trouble. I just wanted you to know that I took you seriously. The fact is I miss you, I need you.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it's too late. I've moved on. I mean, the band's my life now. You're more than welcome to come and have a listen if you want. Come on in, be my guest. Have a seat.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. How you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: I should warn you, you might not like what you hear. It's pretty powerful stuff. You might not be able to handle it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie!
Natalie: Captain, is Mr. Monk here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What would Monk be doing here? I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Natalie: I called his house to read him tomorrow's weather report like I always do, but he didn't answer. So I go over there, the door's open. The light's on, but he's not home.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The door was open?

Dr. Oliver Bloom: Hello, again, Mr. Monk. Is it true that you've only been to the dentist once before?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I gather it wasn't a good experience. Well, this will be much worse.
Adrian Monk: I'm- I'm a police officer.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh, I know that. That's precisely why you're here. You see, Terri and I, we have some merchandise we'd like to sell.
Terri: Open, open, open.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Some bank certificates. Now, there's a man in Chicago named Mr. Cronin who would like to buy them. But we're afraid of approaching him. Because we don't know if he's being watched by the police. So my question is is Mr. Cronin under surveillance?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Have you ever seen the movie Marathon Man, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: No, is it good? Let's watch it. Let's, let's watch it now. I'm not much of a movie guy, but I have some time now. Who's in it? Who's in that?
Terri: You're not gonna watch it, you're gonna live it.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Is Mr. Cronin under surveillance? Yes or no.
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I wish I did. I really do. But I don't know.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Is Mr. Cronin under surveillance?
Adrian Monk: No!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Is he under surveillance?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Okay, yes. Yes. We know- We know all about it. You have to be careful. You should be careful.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Now, I really wish I could believe you, Mr. Monk. Your teeth are perfect. I don't see a single cavity. Is Mr. Cronin under surveillance? [Monk whimpers]
Terri: He's not saying anything.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Pass me the extractor please.

Adrian Monk: All right! All right, okay! Wait, wait. Your hands are so dirty.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: Could you- You gotta wash your hands first. Please.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: You want me to wash my hands.
Adrian Monk: Please.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I'm not gonna wash my hands, okay?
Adrian Monk: Please.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I'm not washing my hands. Okay, now, just hold still.
Adrian Monk: We're not animals, here, right? Please, I'm asking you. I'm asking you.
Terri: He did wash his hands in Marathon Man.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Don't give me "in Marathon Man". I'm not gonna wash my hand when I'm torturing him.
Adrian Monk: It'll take, it'll take five seconds, please. I'm asking you! Look into your heart. For God. For the love of God. For all that's holy. Look into your heart. Look into your heart.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I'll wash my damn hands, okay?