Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me in public? I don't make fun of your job.
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie: I have a real job too. I'm changing people's lives. I'm making them rich.
Adrian Monk: You are not making them rich. You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls. And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim-
Natalie: Some other what? "Bim" what?
Adrian Monk: Bimportant person.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, do you think I'ma bimbo? Look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the earth, but what do I do for you? Hand you wipes all day long. Pick up your laundry. You know, people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention. I guess I needed it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this. So you're gonna have to choose.
Natalie: All right, then I guess I quit.
Adrian Monk: Thank god! Call the station manager. Tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie: No, I quit you. I quit us.

Adrian Monk: Here you go. I was just talking to his nephew on the phone. He couldn't even believe it was really me. I felt like- I felt like Fats Domino.

Dr. Bell: Garfunkel?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm probably the biggest Garfunkel who ever lived. I mean, after all I've done for her. You know, I give her money almost every week.
Dr. Bell: But doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: That's not the point exactly.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, Natalie's a human being. Now all this attention can throw a person off-balance, especially if it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. I once wrote a book on body language, and it it spent all of three minutes on the best seller list. Now, I was very young, and I'm sorry to say I became a bit of a diva. I didn't like myself very much.
Adrian Monk: So now you're on her side.
Dr. Bell: The question is why aren't you on her side? Why aren't you happy for her? Natalie's your friend. Maybe you're afraid she doesn't need you anymore. Maybe you're afraid of losing her.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Adrian Monk: Contact lens case. With only one lens. Ah! Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: G- Give me a wipe. Just- I need a wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie?

Adrian Monk: Why did I make her choose? Of course she'd choose to leave. Everybody leaves. First my father.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, don't do this now.
Adrian Monk: Then Trudy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Trudy didn't leave you.
Adrian Monk: Sharona and Dr. Kroger. I can't blame Natalie for leaving. I'd leave me too if I had the chance. Gah, I am the king of Garfunkel. I am oozing Garfunkel.

Natalie: So you guys are old friends?
Eugene Maddox: No, no. We just met at the bar.
Billy Logan: Yeah, I recognized him from TV. I went over and said hello. What your name again?
Natalie: Billy, don't bother. We've already checked. You've guys have known each other for years. You've worked on five movies together.
Adrian Monk: I knew I'd seen this logo somewhere before. At the press conference, it was on your friend's jacket.
Lieutenant Disher: That's the clue that capped the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not even a real phrase.
Adrian Monk: It's all over, Billy. We know why you killed Marissa Kessler. The paint we found on her fingertips told the whole story. That night after the show, she must've caught you rigging the equipment.
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like you painted yourself into a corner.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.

Adrian Monk: Can we focus here? Your plan was already in motion. You put the Gizmo in the microphone, but getting fired ruined everything. They escorted you out of the studio. They took your security pass, and you couldn't get back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You had a problem, Billy. A real dilemma.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you knew the six numbers that were going to hit. But then what? You were locked out of the building. You couldn't just turn the magnet off. You knew the same numbers were gonna keep coming up night after night. After four or five times, somebody would've noticed.
Natalie: Yeah, they'd find the magnet. You'd be the first and only suspect, so you framed us.
Lieutenant Disher: Do you have any idea what you did to this man? This man has nothing. His wife left him. His girlfriend is in jail, and he's been living in a ratty little condo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
Lieutenant Disher: He's been looking at a sad little picture or a boat on a wall for 11 years, and you gave him hope, and then you ripped his heart out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: For that, you're gonna burn in hell.
Natalie: That and a homicide.
Adrian Monk: Actually, two homicides. Don't forget the lottery fanatic who had a picture of them both together.

Adrian Monk: You miss it, don't you?
Natalie: More than you know. No, I have the best job in the world right here. I'm proud to be your Garfunkel, Mr.
Monk.
Adrian Monk: You know, we can be Garfunkel. A couple of Garfunkel.
Natalie: Yeah, maybe. There's no law against it. Do you know who Garfunkel is?
Adrian Monk: Sure, he's a cartoon cat. He hates Mondays.
Natalie: No, that's Garfield. This is Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Garfunkel right. That the thing my grandmother had on her neck.
Natalie: No, he's a singer. Simon and Garfunkel.
Adrian Monk: Right! The Chipmunks.
Natalie: No, not the chipmunks. Bridge Over Troubled Water. Mrs. Robinson.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Natalie: Their songs. Feelin' groovy.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so they're hippies.
Natalie: Yeah, I guess so.
Adrian Monk: Cartoon hippies.
Natalie: No, not cartoon hippies, Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here. This is wrong. This is very wrong. This is very, very...
Lieutenant Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Lieutenant Disher: Took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: He wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Uniform Officer: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern. Two, two, and two. Three times with a pair of scissors.
Uniform Officer: Yes, that's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Spur of the moment, not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoes. There's a mud puddle near the exit. But there's a light right there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If she was walking, she would've seen that.
Adrian Monk: So she was running when she left the building. Whatever happened started inside. There was some kind of fight. He grabbed some scissors and chased her out here.

Officer Kelton: Excuse me, Mr. Monk? I have a nephew. He's ten years old. He's your biggest fan. He clips articles. He thinks you're cooler than Spider-man.
Adrian Monk: Really? Kids!
Officer Kelton: If I could get your autograph, he'd think I'msome kind of hero.
Natalie: Oh, sorry, Mr. Monk is working. Maybe when he's finished.
Officer Kelton: I'm sorry.
Adrian Monk: Anything else? Clues, clues, scanning, scanning. No, that's it, all done. You said something about an autograph?
Officer Kelton: That would be great. Thank you so much.