Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]

Script Supervisor: He used a different finger. It won't cut together.
Director: Oh, you're right. Uh, Brad. Brad, listen. Make sure you use your right pinkie, okay?
Brad Terry: Yeah. Sorry. No problem.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I noticed something else. The second time, the lights on the van were off.
Script Supervisor: Oh. He's right. I missed that one. Carl. Your lights.
Adrian Monk: And, uh, this... This- This gentleman in the brown shirt by the pizza place, he, uh, the first time, both his socks were pulled all the way up. But the second time, one was down. And, uh, you, sir... Sir? Your umbrella handle was turned, uh, this way. And, uh, you... Sir, you... You were holding your coffee cup with your pinkie extended. Not- Not- Not that much. Not that much. And her sweater- Her sweater was buttoned up, you know, all the way. And, uh, she looked at her watch like this the first time. And he- He scratched his elbow, and her straw was bent a little more.
Director: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Her zipper on her bag was all the way up.
Director: You're a very observant man, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I don't think there's anything you can do about the bird, but, on the first take...
Director: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect, Mr. Monk!

Adrian Monk: Marci. What are you doin' here?
Marci Maven: I just came by to thank you. God, that was so crazy of me to confess to murder.
Adrian Monk: What time is it?
Marci Maven: Midnight.
Adrian Monk: Midnight. I'd invite you in, but, uh...
Marci Maven: I make you uncomfortable, don't I? That's okay.
Adrian Monk: No. Listen, I'm sorry about Brad and...
Marci Maven: Oh, I don't even like Brad anymore. Ugh. I'm never seeing his show again. No way. Which is easy to say anyway, 'cause, you know, they canceled it.
Adrian Monk: Well, okay. Good for you. I'm happy for you.
Marci Maven: You know, they told me how you solved the case and everything, Adrian. And I just think you're wonderful.
Adrian Monk: No. Not- Not really.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Really. I started a whole Web site about you. And a newsletter.
Adrian Monk: Don't do that.

Marci Maven: This is a petition to get the old theme song back. They changed the theme song.
Sharona: Oh, my God! I hate that new theme song.
Marci Maven: Me too. God, the show was perfect. It was perfection, right?
Sharona: It was. It was... It was perfect.
Marci Maven: Why can't they just leave shows alone?
Sharona: I don't know.
Marci Maven: But tell Brad this is from Marci. That is me. "M" for Marci.
Sharona: "Marci." Okay.
Marci Maven: Yeah. He- He knows me, so...

Adrian Monk: A camera, Sharona? He's a murder suspect.
Sharona: Brad Terry didn't kill anybody.
Adrian Monk: How do you know? Because he plays a nice guy on TV.
Sharona: Tony Danza never killed anybody. Mister Rogers never killed anybody.
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying every actor is a murderer. I'm saying this actor might be a murderer.
Sharona: Do I have to agree with you on every case? Is that, like, a rule?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona: Well, you're wrong. He didn't do it.

Adrian Monk: What really happened here? They went outside together for a minute. She comes back in alone. You be Susan.
Sharona: Great. So I'm the victim again? I think you enjoy stabbing and shooting me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it, but it's my job.

Brad Terry: The door was locked from the inside. The hooker must have come in through the fire escape.
Lee: Minute traces of blood over here.
J: Rusty?
Brad Terry: Over here. What do you got, J.?
J: It looks like a fiber.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] What planet are they supposed to be on?
Sharona: Ssh.
Brad Terry: J, don't touch it. Lee, get the spectroscope.
Adrian Monk: What the hell is that?
Sharona: A spectroscope. It's how they solve the crimes. We should get one.
Adrian Monk: Why don't we get two? Then we can solve 'em twice as fast.

Adrian Monk: As Special Agent Rusty Clark would say, "Here's what happened." Last week, you came in here alone after hours. It was easy to transfer Susan's scream from the slasher film onto the exercise video. The morning of the murder, you smashed some glass on the rear door to make it look like somebody broke in. You hid a knife near the front door where you could grab it quickly. Then you replaced her exercise video with the one you doctored, and the stage was set. As you planned, the press was out front, and you made sure they saw Susan alive as you left the house. You recorded the audio low intentionally, because you needed her to turn the volume all the way up.
Sharona: The press thought you were going in to help her, but you were going in to kill her.
Adrian Monk: You only had a few seconds, but it was all you needed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good work, Mr. Monk.
Sharona: And he did it without a spectroscope.
Lieutenant Disher: Could you stand up, please, Mr. Terry. You're under arrest. It's one easy motion. Cuffs come out, right arm down. Slap 'em on. You're goin' down, clown. Just like you're dancin'. How was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was perfect. Now, don't be afraid to rough 'im up. That's a bad guy.

Sharona: What was the fight about?
Dustin Sheers: Nothing. I said I'd never seen his show, and he flipped out. He jumps over the bar. He starts going postal on me.
Adrian Monk: [noticing two bottles] Excuse me. I'll have some of that scotch.
Dustin Sheers: It's 20 bucks.
Adrian Monk: No, not the whole bottle. Just a glass.
Dustin Sheers: Yeah. Twenty bucks. It's the best in the house.
Sharona: What are you doing? You don't drink. [sees the bottles] Oh, I get it. You're gonna waste $20 to make them even. Great. Oh, my God.
Adrian Monk: [to the man next to him] You want this?
Man: Sure.

Adrian Monk: I don't know. Sharona and I saw her a half an hour after the murder. There was no blood on her shirt.
Lieutenant Disher: She explained that. She said she went back to her car and changed.
Adrian Monk: What happened to the bloody clothes? Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, we have a confession. A confession trumps a missing blouse.
Lieutenant Disher: Plus, a videotape puts Brad Terry in the front yard during the attack.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And also we have a confession.
Sharona: And he passed a polygraph test.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And did I mention we have a confession?