Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #96
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Sharona and I saw her a half an hour after the murder. There was no blood on her shirt.
Lieutenant Disher: She explained that. She said she went back to her car and changed.
Adrian Monk: What happened to the bloody clothes? Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, we have a confession. A confession trumps a missing blouse.
Lieutenant Disher: Plus, a videotape puts Brad Terry in the front yard during the attack.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And also we have a confession.
Sharona: And he passed a polygraph test.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And did I mention we have a confession?
Quote from Marci Maven
Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]
Quote from Adrian Monk
Script Supervisor: He used a different finger. It won't cut together.
Director: Oh, you're right. Uh, Brad. Brad, listen. Make sure you use your right pinkie, okay?
Brad Terry: Yeah. Sorry. No problem.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I noticed something else. The second time, the lights on the van were off.
Script Supervisor: Oh. He's right. I missed that one. Carl. Your lights.
Adrian Monk: And, uh, this... This- This gentleman in the brown shirt by the pizza place, he, uh, the first time, both his socks were pulled all the way up. But the second time, one was down. And, uh, you, sir... Sir? Your umbrella handle was turned, uh, this way. And, uh, you... Sir, you... You were holding your coffee cup with your pinkie extended. Not- Not- Not that much. Not that much. And her sweater- Her sweater was buttoned up, you know, all the way. And, uh, she looked at her watch like this the first time. And he- He scratched his elbow, and her straw was bent a little more.
Director: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Her zipper on her bag was all the way up.
Director: You're a very observant man, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I don't think there's anything you can do about the bird, but, on the first take...
Director: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect, Mr. Monk!
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Election
Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.
Quote from Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico
Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!