Sharona: Adrian. How do I look?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, this is a murder scene, not a high school prom.
Sharona: Yes, but it was Brad Terry's ex-wife. Brad Terry could be in there. Wait, wait. Do I have anything in my teeth? Huh? [Monk takes a good, long look] Forget it. Come on. Come on.

Sharona: Ooh, ooh. There he is. There he is. The greatest detective in San Francisco.
Adrian Monk: Okay, you understand he's not a real detective? It's what they call a show.

Adrian Monk: I'm sorry for your loss.
Brad Terry: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I understand you're an actor...
Sharona: Oh. Oh, no, no. Don't be insulted by him. He's never heard of anybody.
Brad Terry: No. He doesn't have to watch my show. He lives it. Right?
Adrian Monk: Well, not really. Well, maybe. [Stottlemeyer chuckles] Yes. Yeah, l-I guess so.

Lee: It's fiber all right. It's some sort of strange, synthetic polymer.
Brad Terry: Lee, speak English, please.
Lee: It's not domestic. It was made in Bolivia.
J: The Santorini cartel.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Santorini? That- That's in Greece.

Brad Terry: What can I help you with, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Well, this is your 100th episode. Is that right? Congratulations. I understand that's a big day for you.
Brad Terry: Thank you. Yeah, a big one. I've been workin' a long time for it my whole life actually.
Adrian Monk: And how does that work? I know that you weren't paying Susan alimony. But, uh, when the show started, you were still married, right?
Brad Terry: Yes, I was.
Adrian Monk: Under California law, she would have been entitled to half of any syndication money.
Brad Terry: You think you've found a motive, don't you, Mr. Monk? Would you like me to take a lie detector test? Would that make you happy?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it would.
Brad Terry: Anytime, anywhere.

Brad Terry: Mr. Monk, are you satisfied?
Adrian Monk: The machine is not infallible.
Brad Terry: Well, neither are you. I've been watching you, Mr. Monk. That's what actors do. We soak people in. I think I got you. It's something like... [closes jacket, tilts head awkwardly, starts pacing with the hands] I don't know what this thing is, but... Tidiness. Everything has to be in complete... Don't you? Oh, I'm sorry. The lamp thing. I don't know what... [touches lamp]
Adrian Monk: That's- That's nothing nothing like me. Nothing at all really.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Marci Maven, this is Adrian Monk. He's working on the case with us.
Marci Maven: Yeah, I remember you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, Marci, I want you to tell him exactly what you've been telling us.
Marci Maven: I did it. I killed Brad's ex, Susan Malloy.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Thank you. Thank you. Now I can take that job. I'm gonna be a police consultant on the show.
Lieutenant Disher: No way.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A thousand dollars for half a day's work. I couldn't have taken the gig until you agreed the guy was innocent.
Adrian Monk: I appreciate that.
Lieutenant Disher: And, uh, I can take the part they offered me. I got a line on the next episode.
Sharona: Oh, my God! Hey, hey, hey. I can bring Benjy to the set. This is great. A thousand dollars for half a day's work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Lieutenant Disher: Hey. You guys can come to my trailer if you want.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: Wait. You can consult me too. Hey, Monk. Thanks.
Adrian Monk: Hey. Yeah. I think I'm finally gettin' the hang of sixth grade.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Brad Terry, you're under arrest for the murder of your ex-wife.
Brad Terry: You can't be serious. I was out on the front lawn the whole time. Everybody saw me.
Adrian Monk: You made sure everybody saw you by pretending to be drunk and staging that fight a few days earlier. After an incident like that, you knew the press would follow you anywhere.
Sharona: That was the whole idea. You needed witnesses. [Monk tosses a tape to Disher]
Brad Terry: [on tape] I was at a bar, Eric. Yeah, I had a drink or two. And some peanuts. Listen, stay off the property, please. Leave Susan out of it.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Freeze it right there.
Brad Terry: That proves it. I was outside when she screamed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, she screamed, but that scream was 15 years old.
Adrian Monk: [holding a tape] You recognize this? This is the first movie your wife ever made. It took us forever to track it down. The movie's been out of print for years.
Susan Malloy: [on tape: screams] What are you doing! [on tape: screams] What are you doing!
Sharona: Marci Maven recognized the scream 'cause she's seen the movie a hundred times.