Captain Stottlemeyer: What did he say?
Lieutenant Disher: It's still preliminary.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did he say, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Poison. Some kind of strychnine. Simple and effective. Anybody could've made it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Couldn't he have tasted it?
Adrian Monk: Port's pretty heavy drink, isn't it?
Natalie: It's really strong.
Adrian Monk: He wouldn't taste it in that.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, they need the body.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This was meant for me.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, there weren't for the grace of God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This was meant for me. "The grace of God."

Captain Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night. I came out of the bar, 2 a.m. They took my keys so I'm walking home. I was alone. I was pretty toasted. That street light was on, 'cause I could still see. And he was waiting. He was by... There was a big black van here. He waiting behind it. Uh, must've been here all night. He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away. It was Frank Prager and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. He aims Glock 17 to my head, caps off 5 rounds. And then... And then he disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian Monk: He was only 12 feet away. With the street light behind him, it's not a hard shot. You said he was a veteran special ops?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Maybe he was as toasted as me. Or maybe it was a miracle.
Adrian Monk: Maybe it was. And they just left the bullet holes there?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.
Adrian Monk: This pattern does not look random. 2-1-2. He had a Glock 17. He could've fired 20 rounds. He only squeezed off 5. 2-1-2.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Prager wants me dead. I'm the guy that shot his brother.
Adrian Monk: He's married, right? With a daughter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, cute kid, 7 years old.
Adrian Monk: Is he in touch with them?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we staked out the house for a couple of weeks, but he never called or showed his face.
Adrian Monk: Well, let's check it out. Maybe... Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk. I can't go near the place. The wife filed a complaint against me, said that I had been harassing her.
Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, probably because I'd been harassing her.

Natalie: So, Mr.Monk, what do you want for Christmas?
Adrian Monk: A miracle.
Natalie: Yeah. I could use one of those. Julie hates it here because it never snows. She's been praying for this white Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Well, it hasn't snowed in San Fransisco in 9 years. The last time it snowed was the day Trudy died.

Adrian Monk: Are you Dory?
Dory Prager: How did you know?
Adrian Monk: Um, well, your daddy told me.
Dory Prager: Do you know my daddy?
Adrian Monk: In a way, yeah. I've been looking for him. Do you know where he is?
Dory Prager: Ssh. It's a secret.
Adrian Monk: It's a secret, okay. I won't tell anybody.
Charlotte Prager: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I was just...
Charlotte Prager: Are you a cop?
Adrian Monk: Okay, look, here's the thing.
Charlotte Prager: Dory, go to your room. I want you out. Just get out of my house. Haven't you people done enough to this family? [closes door]
Adrian Monk: Well, that went well.

Natalie: My gosh, I can't believe he's still here.
Adrian Monk: Who's here?
Natalie: Mr. Preston. I used to work here.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. How many jobs have you had?
Natalie: It was just after high school. It was a summer thing. I worked at the information booth, but it only lasted for 3 weeks.
Adrian Monk: What happened?
Natalie: Mr. Preston liked me. A lot. A little too much.
Adrian Monk: I've never had that problem.

Natalie: Who's waiting to see Santa Claus? [kids cheer] Yeah. Well, you're in luck. Because guess who just landed straight from the North Pole? Santa Claus! [kids cheer]
Adrian Monk: Ho, ho, ho.
Natalie: Yay! [kids cheer]

Adrian Monk: No, no, no, just... Just stand over there. Have you been a good boy? Have you?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's gotta sit on your lap. You're Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: He has to sit on your lap. Here. Jump up.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no.
Natalie: Yep.
Adrian Monk: That's too close. All right, just on the knee. On the knee there, a little further. A little further. He's squirming. Santa doesn't like the squirmers.

Adrian Monk: And what's your name?
Dory Prager: Dory.
Adrian Monk: Dory, that's a pretty name. I bet I know what you want for Christmas. You want your daddy to come home. And I wanna help you, but I have a problem. I just can't find him. Do you know where he is?
Dory Prager: In a church.
Adrian Monk: He lives in a church?
Dory Prager: With the 3 ladies out front.
Adrian Monk: 3 ladies.
Dory Prager: Daddy.
Adrian Monk: That's him. That's Prager. Natalie.
Charlotte Prager: Frank, they're cops.

Lieutenant Disher: Wait, wait. There's a nun in there. She won't leave.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A nun?
Lieutenant Disher: Sounded nice. She had a nun-y quality.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did she want, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: She just wants to talk to you. She's afraid you're gonna rough him up.