Natalie: Hi, excuse me, sorry. I've known Mr. Monk for a long time, and he really loves Christmas. It's his favorite holiday.
Brandy Barber: Uh-huh.
Julie Teeger: You know, he comes to our school Christmas pageant every single year and he decorates our tree.
Natalie: He does. And here's the thing. He's just a little bit particular, just about certain things, so...
Julie Teeger: Yeah, he's, special.
Natalie: In a good way.
Julie Teeger: - Yeah.
Natalie: Good special. So if you would mind just being, like, a little bit, little bit sensitive that would be great.
Brandy Barber: Don't worry, Ms. Teeger. I know all about Attention Deficit Disorder. I did a prime-time special on it. Won a local Emmy.
Julie Teeger: Oh,iIt's not A.D.D.
Natalie: It's not attention deficit.
Natalie: No, he just has compulsions.
Julie Teeger: Yeah.
Natalie: You know, rituals.
Brandy Barber: He's a big boy.

Brandy Barber: Adrian Monk, hello.
Adrian Monk: Hello, and merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: Thank you for inviting us into your beautiful home.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome. Merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: You've already said that.
Adrian Monk: Well, you- You can't say it enough. This is my favorite holiday. [Natalie signals to the tree] Yeah, this is my tree. It's quite festive because that's how I feel. About Christmas.

Adrian Monk: Some gifts. For Christmas. Christmas gifts.
Brandy Barber: Yes, we were looking at those earlier. They're all from your assistant, Natalie Teeger.
Adrian Monk: Well, no, not. Not this one. This is from my wife.
Brandy Barber: That would be Trudy. She died ten years ago, didn't she? And you still haven't opened it. That's very unusual behavior, wouldn't you say?
Natalie: Uh, would you like some cookies?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. So...
Natalie: Would you like some?
Adrian Monk: We made some cookies this morning. Festive Christmas cookies.

Brandy Barber: You received a psychological discharge from the police department, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes.
Brandy Barber: Mr. Monk, how does it feel to be the most reviled man in California?
Adrian Monk: Bad.
Brandy Barber: Have you seen these? [holds up a t-shirt featuring a "Wanted" sign with Monk's picture]
Adrian Monk: I- I don't think "santacide" is a word.
Brandy Barber: Oh, it is now, thanks to you.

Brandy Barber: We've all heard Mr. Kenworthy's side of the story. He rented a Santa costume and was on that roof trying to give toys away in the true spirit of Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: You can stop saying that now. Mr. Kenworthy said you went up to that roof and just started shooting.
Adrian Monk: That's not what happened.
Brandy Barber: Why don't you tell us your side of the story?
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Well, first off, I want to say to any children watching, I did not shoot Santa Claus. That man, was not Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.
[elsewhere, watching on TV:]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, that can't be good. [to a crestfallen Disher] You knew that, right?

Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. That was not my gun. That was his gun. He dropped it. Then he attacked me.
Brandy Barber: Is this the gun you're referring to?
Adrian Monk: Where did- Where did you get that?
Brandy Barber: I'm a reporter, Mr. Monk. I have my sources. It's a rather distinctive weapon, isn't it? A snub-nose .38 with an antique ivory handle. As you can see, part of the handle is missing.
Adrian Monk: Yes, it's broken.
Brandy Barber: Which brings me to my final question. We received an anonymous phone call from one of your neighbors.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Brandy Barber: He didn't say. It was anonymous. He did say he saw you burying something behind your building last night.
Adrian Monk: Burying something?
Brandy Barber: My producer and I came by and dug it up. I have it right here. We wanted to show it to you before we turn it over to the authorities. Do you recognize it? Huh, it's a perfect fit. Do you still say it wasn't your gun? [Monk takes a bite of the Christmas cookie]

Lieutenant Disher: Everything's there. Except for one rubber snake. It's for my nephew. I didn't think you'd mind.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He doesn't have a nephew.
Lieutenant Disher: I have nephew.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He doesn't have a nephew.
Lieutenant Disher: Benjamin. His name's Benjamin. He's nine years old. See. [quickly flashes wallet]

Captain Stottlemeyer: I see you're still in touch with some of your old parolees.
Lieutenant Disher: Thought you retired.
Michael Kenworthy: Well, I call 'em when I can. They're good guys.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know some of these good guys. Burglary, grand theft auto, attempted murder.
Michael Kenworthy: I help 'em out when I can. What can I say? Everybody deserves a second chance, right? [chuckles] What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What were you doing up there Michael, on that roof?
Michael Kenworthy: Just givin' away some toys. What can I say? I love Christmas!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on, Buddy. There's nobody here. It's just you and me.
Lieutenant Disher: And me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And him.
Michael Kenworthy: Is that why you're here? To accuse me of something? Why don't you take a hike? Both of you! That gun was found in your friend's back yard, not mine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that may be true. But here's the problem, Kris Kringle. Either you're lying or Adrian Monk is lying.
Lieutenant Disher: Merry Christmas.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So what do you think? Wrong place, wrong time?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. No, he was waiting. Waiting for her. These cigarette butts. He was camped out here for probably 48 minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 48 minutes?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look. See, the ends are all smooshed in. I only see one match. He was chain-smoking. Eight cigarettes. Figure six minutes per cigarette.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 48 minutes.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.

Adrian Monk: Hey, those are my wipes. [off Natalie's look] You can use them if you want to.