Captain Stottlemeyer: How's it going, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Almost done. We recovered these on the street, and these were from the toy bag. We've got 24 dolls, one rubber snake, five Frisbees, one walkie talkie, and 37 stuffed animals. Uh, I don't know whether to count the bunny or not. It's got blood all over it.
Adrian Monk: Great, blood on the Bunny.
Garrett Price: That's not good. Most heathens love Bunnies. I'll have to find one that doesn't.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It is December 19th, 3:45 pm. I am interviewing Adrian Monk.
Garrett Price: Garret Price for Mr. Monk and I have 3:46 pm. Go.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened on the roof?
Adrian Monk: When I got up there, that guy.
Lieutenant Disher: Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Kenworthy.
Adrian Monk: Kenworthy. He was standing near the edge. He was throwing the toys off the roof. I asked him to stop. He told me to leave him alone. He said my head was made of B.M.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. Go on.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this the gun? You're sure?
Adrian Monk: I remember the broken handle.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Kenworthy said it's not his gun. He said that you went nuts. That you started yelling, cursing. That you pulled out this gun. You started shooting. Can you explain that?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I can. He's lying.
Lieutenant Disher: We got your prints off the weapon, Monk, not his.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing gloves. Santa Claus gloves.

Garrett Price: If I may, what about the bomb?
Adrian Monk: What bomb?
Garrett Price: You remember. You told me there was a bomb. That Mr. Kenworthy had a bomb. He had a bomb.
Adrian Monk: He didn't have a bomb.
Garrett Price: Go along with it. He was waving something around. You thought it was a bomb. It looked like a bomb. He thought it was a bomb. That's why you shot him! He's a hero. You're a hero.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, there was no bomb. [Stottlemeyer stops recording]
Garrett Price: There was a bomb.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Why are you protecting him?

Garrett Price: May I speak with my client for a moment?
Captain Stottlemeyer: By all means.
Garrett Price: First you don't like hippies, now you don't like bombs. Juries love bombs.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Just try it out. Just see how it feels.
Adrian Monk: It was a gun.
Garrett Price: Everybody today likes bombs. No jury will acquit you if there's a bomb.
[After Monk and Garrett Price walk back towards the Captain, Price starts the tape recorder again]
Garrett Price: Pending further investigation, we are not certain there was a bomb but we're pretty sure.

Adrian Monk: Please don't put your fingerprints on the tape. No, that piece of tape has your fingerprint on it. Don't touch the sticky part.

Adrian Monk: Hello.
Boy: Why'd you do it, mister? Why'd you shoot Santa Claus?
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no, sweetie. It wasn't like that.
Adrian Monk: The grand jury is about to convene. You know what a grand jury is?
Natalie: Oh, sweetie, here.
Adrian Monk: He doesn't know.

Adrian Monk: I can't live like this. The trial could be a year away. I have to tell them my side of the story.
Natalie: No, no, no. Mr. Monk. I've heard your side of the story and I love you, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Adrian Monk: This is just a P.R. problem. When your dad sold that tainted toothpaste from China, what did he do? He went on the news and he told his side of the story. He took the offensive. I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

Adrian Monk: You know, that woman Brandy Barber, she's, she's been calling me. She wants me to do her show. I think I'm gonna do it.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk. I've seen her show. She's not a real journalist. She'll rip you apart!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're forgetting one thing. The truth. See, I have the truth on my side.
Natalie: Oh, my God.

Sound Guy: You gotta unbutton the shirt.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm good. I'll just hold it. Like Sinatra.