Claire: No, no, no! Phil, we cannot afford a third car.
Phil: Relax. They're never gonna last as long as us.
Claire: Oh, honey, don't take this the wrong way but I have almost no faith in you.

Larry: The dog is gone.
Jay: Maybe it ran away.
Larry: It was chained to a tree.
Gloria: Maybe your wife took it.
Larry: According to my credit card, my wife is in Europe searching for the world's most expensive hotel.
Jay: Then what do you want from us?
Larry: You come over complaining about the dog. And the next day it's gone? You tell me.
Jay: I'll tell-
Gloria: How dare you? You come to our house, you ring our bell many times and you accuse us of taking your dog!
Jay: You should go home.
Larry: We're not done here.
Jay: Yes, we are. [closes door. To Gloria:] What did you do?
Gloria: You don't want to know.

Haley: Hey, Mom. I need a bar of soap and a black marker for an art project.
Claire: Okay, well, the marker's over there, and the soap is under the sink. Isn't it great how much time you have now that you're not wasting it online?
Haley: Oh, my God. Is this what you always sound like?

Luke: [answering phone] Hey, Griffin. Oh, my God. [hangs up]
Claire: What happened?
Luke: There's a parasailing donkey video on YouTube.
Phil: Oh, my God!
Claire: Wait. Luke, what about the contest?
Luke: I quit. I'm not made of stone, you know.

Alex: I can't believe it. I got a "B" on my paper.
Phil: Good for you.
Claire: Yeah.
Alex: No, it would be good for you. It's terrible for me. Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias my take on mitosis was completely out-of-date. They don't even call it protoplasm anymore. It's cytoplasm.
Claire: Well, you could have asked one of us.
Alex: Now you're making jokes?
Claire: I'm not making a joke.
Alex: Really? What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote?
Phil: Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words.
Claire: Huh.
Alex: That's it. I need the Internet. I'm out of your stupid contest.

Haley: Hmm. And then there were three.
Phil: She's kind of scary.
Claire: We're not buying her a car.

Claire: [on the phone] Well, just so you know, I don't think Wagon Wheel's gonna hold a place for you.
Mitchell: Well, I think we're gonna take our chance.
Cameron: Take our chance? That sounds chancy.

Claire: [on the phone] You know, Mitchell, you were the one who called me in a panic. You were the one who needed me to get you in.
Mitchell: I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean to put you out. But let's not get too dramatic. You wrote an e-mail.
Claire: It wasn't an e-mail. It was a phone call from a landline.

Phil: Really, Claire?
Claire: You don't understand. I was trying to deal with our plane tickets to visit your family.
Phil: Please stop. You're just embarrassing yourself.
Haley: Well, it looks like it's just you and me, old man.
Phil: Bring it.

Cameron: This place is amazing.
Mitchell: I told you.
Cameron: It's like Hogwarts!
Mitchell: The, uh the ladybug sanctuary.
Cameron: Oh, my gosh. The little cobblestones.
Mitchell: So sweet, I know.
Cameron: Screw the duckies. We belong here. Do you think they're gonna let us in?
Mitchell: Cam, relax. We're queer. We're here.