Gloria: Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks. It's screwing his brain for school, and it doesn't stop. It's goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!
Jay: Yes! That could be annoying.
Gloria: That's it. I'm going over there.
Jay: Gloria, now don't go starting something. Because whenever you do, I'm the one that- That she couldn't hear.

Mitchell: They're gone. Cam. All the children are gone.
Cameron: What children?
Mitchell: I was running in the park, and I noticed that none of the kids Lily usually plays with were there.
Cameron: Well, it's still early.
Mitchell: But then I ran into Lori.
Cameron: Boobs Lori or adult braces Lori?
Mitchell: Great shoes Lori.
Cameron: Oh, I like her.

Mitchell: She said that they all sent their kids to preschool.
Cameron: What? We agreed to wait till next year.
Mitchell: It was a fake-out to make sure that their kids got a spot.
Cameron: Those skinny bitches.

Claire: Hey. Here you go. Guys, breakfast. Guys? Phil. Hello. [flicks Phil on the forehead]
Phil: Totally with you. Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Claire: Okay, no. That's it. Everybody, gadgets down. Now!

Haley: Why are you freaking out?
Claire: Because you're all so involved with your little gizmos nobody is even talking.
Families are supposed to talk. What are you doing that's so important?
Phil: Oh, I'm locking in my fantasy roster. I'm unbeatable. We're totally getting an aboveground pool.
Luke: Die, stupid! Die!
Claire: Luke, I told you to put that down. Now.
Phil: Come on, buddy.
Luke: One second. I'm about to beat Dad's record.
Phil: You heard your mother.

Claire: [answering phone] Hello.
Mitchell: Hey, it's me. What's a good preschool?
Claire: Our kids went to Wagon Wheel.
Mitchell: And it was good? You liked it?
Claire: Well, you know, my kids are middle-management material at best. We didn't want to waste a lot of money. Yes, Mitchell, it's good. Why the interest?

Gloria: Buenos di­as. Hi. We haven't formally met. I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door.
Larry: Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you. Lucky guy.
Jay: Wait a minute, then tell me.

Gloria: Jay, don't go. Jay! Jay! Jay! [car alarm goes off, dog barsks]

Haley: How am I supposed to talk to my friends?
Claire: Talk to them at school.
Phil: Or at a juice bar.
Claire: Or on the house phone.
Alex: Nobody even knows our number.
Haley: I don't even know our number.

Phil: You know what? We're gonna make this fun, turn it into a game. Whoever stays unplugged the longest wins.
Claire: Not what I had in mind, Phil.
Alex: What do we win?
Phil: What do you want?
Alex: A new computer.
Phil: Done! We're gonna get them off of electronics with the promise of more electronics?
Luke: I want chicken pot pie.
Phil: And chicken.
Haley: I want a car.
Claire: No way!
Phil: Done!