Frank Dunphy: Wait a minute. I want to ask you something. Am I putting you in a bad position with this whole dog thing? Claire seemed a little put out.
Phil: Oh, don't worry about it. Claire didn't like me at first either.
Frank Dunphy: I can't blame her. Dismissed!

Phil: Oh, Dad, um, you know what? I, uh- Claire saw something, and she'd kill me if I- if I didn't ask.
Frank Dunphy: What is it?
Phil: Would you wear pants to breakfast, for crying out loud?
Frank Dunphy: You got me again. Right in the funny bone.

Claire: Look at this.
Phil: How did he get ahold of your bra?
Claire: Well, uh, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so- How do you think? He got it out of the laundry basket. Can't take my eyes off that dog for a second.

Claire: I thought you were dealing with your dad.
Phil: Oh, yeah, I did. He's fine, so-
Phil: Whoa!
Claire: You got that from a two-minute conversation?
Phil: I asked him point-blank if he was okay. He said he was. So I just- Just swapped some jokes and moved on.
Claire: Phil, the man needs more of a push than that.
Phil: Look, if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. Geez, someone's panties are in a bunch.
Claire: I thought I was showing concern and-
Phil: No. Right there.
Claire: Oh, my God! That damn dog!

Mitchell: What's up with 21 Jump Street?
Cameron: Oh, well, their drummer quit and I'm gonna fill in for him tomorrow night.

Cameron: I'm not gonna let these fellas down. I made a commitment.
Mitchell: You made two commitments, okay? And you know how Pepper is. Everything has to be perfect. He gets mad if you don't wear a big sweater.
Cameron: Yeah, I remember. I got so hot last year, I almost went face down in the gruyere.

Cameron: I just feel like I kind of need this.
Mitchell: To round out your college applications?
Cameron: It's just that because I'm always home with Lily I just feel like I'm going a little bit stir-crazy. Look at the den. Every time I finish painting it, I start all over again. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm gonna go back to jamming.

Jay: Hey, what's with the big sweater at a concert? Is that a gay thing?
Mitchell: No, Dad. It's for my friend Pepper's apres-ski fondue- Yeah. Yeah, it's a gay thing.

Claire: Hope they start soon. I don't think Scout likes to be left alone.
Phil: You love the dog.
Claire: No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch. And the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Well, the plan was to watch him for 10 minutes and then run out to Pepper's party. But he was so great up there. How-How could I leave? It was his moment. And his moment went on for a really, really long time. Turns out I could have run to the party and made it back for the end of his moment.