Parker: Hey, Delgado, thank your mom for my new screen saver.
Manny: Will do, Parker. And speaking of two-dimensional women who know a thing or two about sauce, stop by Flanagan's and say hi to your mom for me.

Jay: I know you were bothered by that cutout.
Manny: But every teenager gets teased, and you have to rise above it, so...
Jay: Your mother's in the trunk.
Manny: What?
Jay: I couldn't stand the ogling and the selfies, so I stole it. For both our sakes. We're in this together.
Manny: How? I didn't steal it.
Jay: Oh, I see where this is going. You complain and complain, I make the problem go away, and you had nothing to do with it.
Manny: I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this.
Jay: Let's not turn on each other. It'll make us sloppy.

Phil: [aside to camera] Sitting with all those gals, I thought, "Wow, this is an insane amount of perfume. And also, am I on my way to becoming an invisible housewife?" No way. There'd be signs, right?

Phil: Hey, stranger. Been keeping dinner warm for ya.
Claire: Oh, that's nice. I had a steak at the club. But I wouldn't knock a scotch out of your hands.
Phil: Sure thing. Hey, is now an okay time to go over this list of house stuff?
Claire: Mm-hmm. Let's see. Don't care, don't care, call a guy, don't care.
Phil: Guess who got the big listing on Westmount today.
Claire: Oh, that's great, sweetie. It'll keep you busy.

Gloria: What the hell? Somebody stole my cutout.
Jay: Stolen? Damn it! Well, there's no point in replacing it because it's just gonna get stolen again.
Gloria: I can't replace it. It took two weeks just to get the mechanical arm working right. Oh, wait till I catch this rat. I'm going to make him regret that he was ever- Hey, Jay, turn the heater on. I can hear Manny's teeth chattering.

Claire: Phil, I'm late for an appointment with a client. Can you do me a favor?
Phil: If it's to put flowers in the bathroom, I already did.
Claire: Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Phil: Not surprised.

Claire: Okay, I was supposed to get this client a bottle of scotch. I haven't had time to do it myself. So can you pick one up and bring it down to the office?
Phil: Whatever you need. I have to go out for a haircut anyway.
Claire: Great.
Phil: Except I got a haircut yesterday.

Phil: Excuse me, Gloria. Apparently, I don't know how to keep a kitchen clean.
Gloria: What is that?
Phil: Oh, it's just a little hush-up gift from my powerful wife who thinks she can take me for granted. And I'll just hover after her like a little puppy dog.
Gloria: You have to stop putting up with it. They don't mean to ignore you, but it will only get worse. One time when I had just married Jay, I spent a whole day cooking his favorite dinner.
Phil: Beef Wellington and a baked potato with all the fixin's?
Gloria: Yes. And then when he got home, he barely noticed what I had made. So I took the emerald pendant that he had bought me for the three past dinners that he had missed and I threw it at his head. I told him I don't need fancy things. I need the respect.
Phil: Isn't that an emerald pendant?
Gloria: It made its way back to me. But the point is that you have to make a statement. You have to give back the hoverboard.

Cameron: Okay, Mitchell, what if they're a part of some weird cult? Remember that "20/20" we watched where they infiltrated the ritual ceremony and Elizabeth Vargas had to almost sacrifice a squirrel?
Lily: [entering] I went through the bag they dumped in the trash. Oh, hi...
Mitchell: Now you're involving our daughter?
Cameron: I don't know what she's talking about.

Cameron: What are these creepy things? If these dolls could talk...
Mitchell: They'd tell you I dropped one and then their head came off.
Cameron: Well, you have to put it back.
Mitchell: Maybe they won't notice one of them's missing.
Cameron: Yeah, this seems like a casual interest.