Mitchell: Okay, you know what? You need to get out of the house. Go get the stamps. And a hobby.
Cameron: Okay, well, they're in our home, And I'm just trying to protect our family. I don't want to wake up dead.
Mitchell: I can't believe I have to say this to you again. You cannot wake up and be dead.
Cameron: It's an expression!
Mitchell: It's not.

Mitchell: Daddy should not have involved you in his snooping.
Lily: So you don't want me to tell you what I found in here?
Mitchell: No...
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Well, of course I looked. And inside I found latex gloves, a bottle of bleach, heavy-duty tarp. Now, I've never killed anyone and cleaned it up, but that sounds like a kit. So as soon as I saw them drive off in their windowless murder van, I-I ran upstairs.

Cameron: Oh my gosh, here they come. Okay, I'll create a distraction so you can get back in there.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I simply invited them to a complimentary cocktail hour. Even possible satanists enjoy a triple-cream brie and a crisp chardonnay.

Manny: Hey, it's working!
Jay: The best shredder money can buy. In 2004, our whisper-close hamper technology got stolen out of the trash, got sold on the dark web. Never again.

Claire: It's just all of this. I'm so stressed. Phil, I've never been a boss before, and I am freaking out.
Phil: But you've been handled it so well.
Claire: I am faking it, Phil. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just copying my dad - the steak, the scotch, the cigars. Do you have any idea how bad the heartburn is?
Phil: But you just got here. Give it a little time.
Claire: There is no time. I'm in charge now. And I live every day in constant fear of everyone discovering that I'm a fraud. Oh, my god, I really am a powerful white male!

Phil: Hey, you are not a fraud.
Claire: I haven't had the guts to sit at my dad's desk since he left. I still feel like the little girl who used to play hide-and-seek under it.
Phil: Look. This is your desk now. You've earned it. You are not a little girl anymore. In fact, you're the strongest, smartest woman I know. The hardest company in the world to run is Dunphy Co., and you've kept us in business for 22 years. I don't worry about you in this job. I worry about the poor chump who has to follow you.

Phil: I did hear you banging out e-mails till all hours last night, so the cucumbers in the sandwich can be repurposed as lunchtime crow's-feet refreshers.
Claire: Thank you. Don't forget we've got drinks later.
Phil: Right. Any specific joke areas I should stay away from?
Claire: Oh, no, don't worry about it. It's mostly just me and the guys talking business. [pats Phil's buttocks] Hey, you using those spin classes I got you?
Phil: Yeah. I went twice last week. You can't tell?
Claire: Sure, I can.

Claire: Honey, before I take off for work, I saw this and I thought of you.
Phil: What is it? It's a key?
Claire: Yeah, it is. It is a key... but a key to what? [chirping]
Phil: No! No! You got me a PhunkeeDuck?!
Claire: No more walking for my man. Walking's for jerks.
Phil: Oh, my god! That is the best gift ever! I don't know where it stops and I begin!

Gloria: Auntie Alice! She's a hot-sauce legend. Her level three sauce has a picture of a rooster exploding.

Gloria: I am a huge fan. I have read your life story on your label a thousand times. Is it true that your father crashed his pepper truck into a papaya tree and the legend was born?
Auntie Alice: You're asking me if something's real? I can't believe that that cutout's an actual person. [laughs]