James: Hey, if you really want to be blown away, I've got two special gummy bears you can have.
Phil: Just one for each of us?
James: Believe me. One is all you need.
Mitchell: I guess we can get more at the concession stand.
James: No, they don't sell gummy bears like these here.
Both: Ohhh.
Phil: You get extra cool ones from Europe or something.
James: Guys, how are you not getting this? It's pot.
Both: Ohhhh.

Phil: Listen, we have assigned seats and 45 minutes till this kicks in. That gives us plenty of time to Uber home, make sure everything's fine, touch up my veins, and get back. I'll set an alarm so we know exactly when it hits.
Mitchell: No, you're right. Lily's there.
Phil: Yes, yes. Let's go. Plus, we're not gonna want to deal with this when we're high and paranoid.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, God. Do you think the paranoia will be bad?

Jay: [to guys at the bar] Hey, no disrespect, but if O'Brien's even halfway sober, he takes Hernandez apart.
Cameron: Yeah, he's got a better reach, better jab, and I haven't seen feet that fast since Riverdance.

Vic: You guys seem pretty confident. Uh, care to make a friendly $10 bet?
Jay: We'll take it. Easiest money I ever made.
Don: You're crazy. O'Brien is a mook.
Jay: Well, Hernandez is a palooka.
Vic: I'd rather be a palooka than a mook.
Cameron: Well, that's a lot of talk coming from a couple jabronis.
Jay: Cam, calm down. We're just having fun here.
Cameron: Really? That's- That's the line?

Manny: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Claire: I forgot my slippers.
Luke: Doesn't the hotel have slippers?
Claire: I'll be asking the questions. How did you manage to burn chocolate-chip cookies in an oven that doesn't work?
Luke: Oh, Manny meant pancakes. We're making chocolate-chip pancakes.

Phil: Is everything okay?
Gloria: Oh, yes. It was just a false alarm.
Mitchell: Well, then we should probably get back to the theater. Those pre-movie trivia questions aren't gonna answer themselves, are they? [chuckles] Actually, they do.

Claire: Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here, huh? [sniffs] Yep. I smell cheap beer. Someone's been having a party.
Gloria: Claire, you're just being crazy. Take a look around! Nothing is going on! There is no party!
[cut to a dark room upstairs filled with teenagers:]
Lily: Everyone just be cool!

Claire: You guys go search the house. Find something suspicious.
Phil: Is this gonna be like loading the dishwasher? First I load it, then you reload it? Wouldn't it be faster if you actually-
Claire: Phil, go!

Luke: What's so important? I'm sitting for my portrait.
Claire: Oh, knock it off. I know you two threw a party.
Manny: I don't "throw" a party, Claire.
Gloria: It's true. He can't throw anything.
Manny: And if I were hosting an event, where did I put the ice sculpture? Where did I stash the hors d'oeuvres? Where did I hide the jazz trio?
Claire: Good question, considering you couldn't even hide the Solo.
Luke: Nice wordplay, Mom, but that cup's been there for like three days. I didn't want to say anything 'cause I thought it was yours.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Yeah. It was bold. But those kids upstairs weren't gonna stay quiet forever. I was one dead phone battery away from a conversation breaking out.
Manny: Sure, throwing a party was a risk, but two hot exchange students just started at our school.
Luke: Best part is, they don't understand just how uncool we are.
Manny: Yet.

Manny: So, we were walking down the hallway when we stopped by the locker-
Tommy: Ohh, pizza day. [takes a bite of both their pizza slices] Mmm.
Manny: That's our personal trainer.
Luke: He hates it when we eat carbs.