Jay: Can I talk to you a second?
Gloria: No, thank you.
Jay: We're gonna need to discuss this.
Andy: I get it. I understand it's a big decision. But if it eases your mind at all, know that I'm not just here for baby Joe. I'm here for you, too.
Jay: Doesn't ease my mind at all.
Andy: My mission is to make all of your lives happier and healthier.
Jay: Is this because I ate that party sub?

Manny: So, Marie, what do you feel like doing for dinner tonight?
Gloria: You're eating dino-bites because you are a little boy.
Manny: Mom!

Cameron: [aside to camera] We're getting married in seven months.
Mitchell: Or eight months. I worry about it raining in April.
Cameron: Well, I worry about me sweating in May.

Phil: Hey, dad.
Frank: Morning, troops. Claire, I owe you a pack of lady razors.
Claire: I'm just gonna go stand out in the yard.

Claire: [aside to camera] Tension between Haley and Alex has been getting pretty high, so our solution was to move Haley down to the basement, which we were just about to do-
Phil: When my dad came out for a weekend visit.
Claire: Two weekends ago.
Phil: After my mom passed away, he dated this woman named Annie, and she broke up with him, and then he seemed kind of down, so I invited him out.
Haley: [o.s.] Gross! Those are my socks!
Alex: [o.s.] They are not! Mom!
Claire: I'm just gonna pop outside.
Phil: I should get her a rake.

Andy: Welcome to King's Landing! I am the evil boy king, and I want your heads!
Gloria: Oh, look how much they all love you.
Andy: Ohh, thanks. I'm just trying to match the energy of their video games and whosits and whatnots.

Andy: I'm Andy. I'm her Manny - male nanny.
Gloria: Hi, I'm Gloria. This might just sound a little crazy, but I don't think Joan likes me.
Andy: Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't. Her husband's always staring at you, and she's worried you're gonna steal him.
Gloria: What?!
Andy: [to Joe] Be happy, little guy. This world belongs to you.
Gloria: I would never steal anybody else's man, especially not her fat husband.
Andy: Hey, he's not fat anymore. I helped him lose 30 pounds.

Andy: Careful. If I bring you home scratched, I lose my deposit. I'm kind of a chef, too. Here, try this. It's quinoa. You actually burn calories while eating I-
Gloria: So, Andy, tell me, are you really happy with that Joan?

Luke: Are you sure, Grandpa? It might be fun.
Frank: Sorry, Luke. I just don't think I have it in me today.
Claire: Did you see that? When has your dad ever not wanted to pull Luke's finger? He's hurting, Phil. I think he needs to see a therapist.

Phil: [on the phone] Jay, what did you just say?
Jay: Take him out and meet some women. A thousand therapists couldn't do what Gloria did for me.
Phil: Oh, I agree. Claire was wrong.
Jay: I'll tell you what. I know a fun place. Tonight, you, me, and Frank out on the town.
Phil: Oh, fun! A three-way!
Jay: I already regret this.
Phil: Well, I'm excited, too. I got to get going, though.