Claire: [on the phone] That's good. It'll get my mind off this meeting with your friend. I am so nervous. I haven't had a sales meeting in forever. I'm a little rusty. Do you remember when we used to call you "Little Rusty"?
Mitchell: I was 8, and I can still cancel this meeting.

Claire: What is this?
Luke: I'm sweating off weight for my wrestling match. I slept in this.
Claire: Does this have anything to do with why we're out of plastic wrap?
Luke: Oh, it's the bottom layer. And I've got some news for you, it's not keeping me fresh.

Alex: Oh, my God! We're trapped!
Haley: Well, it- It's- It's not such a huge disaster. You know, you'll just be a little late for school.
Alex: Make up your mind! Which is it?!
Haley: Oh, my God. I'm missing a text.
Alex: Just got real, didn't it?
Haley: Who sent you?!

Mitchell: There's a report of lice in Lily's class.
Cameron: Ugh. It's probably from Portia. You know, she is always so filthy. They had to kick her out of swim buddies because she left a ring around the pool.

Luke: My match is coming up. Got any final dad-vice?
Phil: Starting to sound natural, right? You know what? Just get out there and enjoy yourself. You showed real character trying a new sport. No matter what happens, I couldn't be prouder.

Luke: Wish me luck.
Phil: No need. You worked hard. I just want you to have fun.
Luke: Thanks, Dad.
Phil: Also, I'd like to revise what I said to you in the car about biting.

Gloria: Manny, you care too much about what other people think! I know that some of the mothers here want to make fun of me because of my accent and my bouncy bosom. But they don't. You know why? Because I don't care. Because I walk with confidence. And so can you. Let's go.

Haley: Okay, she's not leaving. You got to lure her away from the staircase. She'll trust you. You're kind of dressed like an animal trainer.
Alex: Why do you keep calling it a "she"?
Haley: Well, because "he"s don't look at me like that.

Mitchell: The director of photography we met with this morning, he's turning us down.
Claire: Why?
Mitchell: "Creative differences." He suggested one of us wear a hidden camera in our boutonniere. He called it "groom with a view." Somebody got it into his head to call it the "Cam-Cam." Then there was a lot of foot-stomping and cane-snapping and monocle-smashing.
Claire: Who is your wedding photographer, Mr. Peanut?

Cameron: Hey, sleepy! Long nap today. Claire must've really worn you out at the park, huh?
Lily: Yeah. Do you want to lie down with me, Daddy?
Cameron: Oh, honey, the day I answer no to that question... [Lily scratches her head] is today.