‘The Feud’
Season 5, Episode 15 - Aired February 26, 2014
Still smarting after losing his role as chair of the local realtor's group to Gil Thorpe, Phil learns that Luke is competing against Gil's kid in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, Claire is itching with nerves ahead of a big client meeting, and that's before she babysits Lily whose school is in the midst of a lice scare. Elsewhere, Manny and Gloria each learn a lesson on confidence when she chaperones a school trip to the museum.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [on the phone] First of all, if there's anything that you need from me, anything at all, I will be living at the Embassy Suites. Secondly, there's- There's no guarantee that she has it. I mean, I'm with her right now. I think I'd know. [Claire scratches her head] Yeah, I think I know.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: [aside to camera] It was the bravest thing he has ever done.
Manny: They call me "Pink Top."
Gloria: My hero.
Manny: Pink top.
Quote from Phil
Phil: We really blew it with Luke today.
Jay: How could I do that? My dad never missed an opportunity to let me know when I disappointed him, and I do it to my grandkid.
Phil: It's just as much my fault. I've seen what having a disapproving father has done to my wife. I should've known better.
Quote from Phil
Luke: Dang it.
Phil: Buddy, I know you're upset. You've got every right. We made that wrestling match all about our stupid feud. That was wrong.
Jay: Forget about those jerks. We couldn't be anything but proud of you, just like I'm super proud of your mom.
Phil: Let's repair this one first.
Quote from Phil
Jay: I don't buy it.
Phil: Why?
Jay: What are you talking about? No kid lets down his father and grandfather and is that okay with it. He's burying his feelings.
Phil: Or maybe he's just raised better than that. He knows it's pointless to fight other people's battles.
Jay: It's all in the DNA, Phil. My old man has a problem with somebody? Trust me I'm looking for that guy's kid on the schoolyard. It's how men work.
Phil: Or used to work. Maybe those thuggish Pritchett genes got mixed with more evolved Dunphy genes, resulting in a more elevated human being.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Hey! Hey! Get off my kid!
Gil Thorpe: Hey. Hey! Get off my kid! Aah!
Gunther Thorpe: You get off of my kid!
Jay: Hey, hey! Get off my daughter's husband!
Phil: Would it kill you to call me your kid, Jay?
Waitress: Oh, my God. He was saving him.
Jay: Oh, have a good day.
Phil: Well, all's well that ends well.
Quote from Phil
Gil Thorpe: Just want to say I'm sorry, "Doofy."
Phil: And yet you're still call-
Gil Thorpe: what your kid did today was amazing. No hard feelings, right?
Phil: Hey, Cam, hold off on that thing for a second. Lily, honey? Are you kidding me? It's all in good fun.
Gil Thorpe: All right. Good. Whoa! Who's this little dumpling?
Phil: Only my niece. If there's one thing she loves, it's piggy-back.
Lily: No, I don't.
Phil: Yep! Hop on up there! All right!
Lily: Who's this man?
Gil Thorpe: You can call me Uncle Gil!
Phil: Uncle Gil! You two look great together! Get in there!
Gil Thorpe: Yeah! I'm telling you, these little buggers love me.
Phil: That's the plan!