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The Feud

‘The Feud’

Season 5, Episode 15 -  Aired February 26, 2014

Still smarting after losing his role as chair of the local realtor's group to Gil Thorpe, Phil learns that Luke is competing against Gil's kid in a wrestling match. Meanwhile, Claire is itching with nerves ahead of a big client meeting, and that's before she babysits Lily whose school is in the midst of a lice scare. Elsewhere, Manny and Gloria each learn a lesson on confidence when she chaperones a school trip to the museum.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Mom, you're unbelievable.
Gloria: Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.
Manny: You come down on me for being self-conscious, then you run and hide because your face is red.
Gloria: You're right. I keep blaming the high-school boys for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.
Manny: We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.
Gloria: We're trapped!
Manny: No. When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits. I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car.

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Quote from Jay

Jay: All right, I got to admit something right here. You impressed me today, Luke. That kid started choking. You didn't see a rival or a chance to fight your family's stupid battles. You just saw somebody who needed help. And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.
Phil: You just attacked him, didn't you?
Luke: He made that choke sign. I thought he was mocking my wrestling.
Jay: Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention.
Phil: It has a name "The Real Head Scratcher, T.M."

Quote from Phil

Jay: I really want this win, Phil. I can taste it, like metal.
Phil: Me, too. Metal.
Jay: I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.
Phil: That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner cable. It's emasculating, you know?
Jay: I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.
Phil: Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake, we're just talking here. Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?!

Quote from Phil

Claire: If I take something to help me sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting. But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?
Phil: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I was up for re-election as social chair of our local realtors group. The vote was tonight. I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.
[back:]
Claire: Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer?
Phil: You're right. We'll know soon enough.
Claire: I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep.
Phil: Love you. I hope so, too.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Phil: [answering phone] Hello? Hey, Gil. No, no, no. You- You didn't wake me. [door bell rings] Um, so, you hear anything, or-
[Phil opens the front door]
Gil Thorpe: Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in. You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Phil: Was it even close?
Gil Thorpe: No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

Quote from Gil Thorpe

Gil Thorpe: Okay, enough history, "done-for." Fork over the hardware.
Phil: Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.
Gil Thorpe: Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?
Phil: Every time I shower.
Gil Thorpe: Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.
Phil: That is not respecting the medall-

Quote from Jay

Jay: [aside to camera] I hate crowded elevators. Only one thing worse, when they stop and you get trapped. Actually, there's one thing even worse than that. Getting trapped with him. I don't even know the guy's name. He belongs to my club. But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up when I'm at my absolute worst.

Quote from Mitchell

Claire: [on the phone] I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your wedding?
Mitchell: A D.P. No! No, a director of photography. Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal. He won a Golden Globe.
Cameron: No, you win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

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