Manny: Mom, you're unbelievable.
Gloria: Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.
Manny: You come down on me for being self-conscious, then you run and hide because your face is red.
Gloria: You're right. I keep blaming the high-school boys for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.
Manny: We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.
Gloria: We're trapped!
Manny: No. When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits. I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car.

Jay: All right, I got to admit something right here. You impressed me today, Luke. That kid started choking. You didn't see a rival or a chance to fight your family's stupid battles. You just saw somebody who needed help. And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.
Phil: You just attacked him, didn't you?
Luke: He made that choke sign. I thought he was mocking my wrestling.
Jay: Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.

Claire: Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention.
Phil: It has a name "The Real Head Scratcher, T.M."

Jay: I really want this win, Phil. I can taste it, like metal.
Phil: Me, too. Metal.
Jay: I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.
Phil: That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner cable. It's emasculating, you know?
Jay: I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.
Phil: Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake, we're just talking here. Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?!

Claire: If I take something to help me sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting. But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you know?
Phil: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I was up for re-election as social chair of our local realtors group. The vote was tonight. I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.
[back:]
Claire: Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer?
Phil: You're right. We'll know soon enough.
Claire: I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep.
Phil: Love you. I hope so, too.

Phil: [answering phone] Hello? Hey, Gil. No, no, no. You- You didn't wake me. [door bell rings] Um, so, you hear anything, or-
[Phil opens the front door]
Gil Thorpe: Hey, Dunphy. Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass. I got to run, Dunphy. I got a late meeting with some jackass.

Gil Thorpe: The people have spoken, Dunphy. I'm in. You're out. Sorry to have to tell you that in private.
Phil: Was it even close?
Gil Thorpe: No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

Gil Thorpe: Okay, enough history, "done-for." Fork over the hardware.
Phil: Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.
Gil Thorpe: Ooh, shiny. How often do you clean this thing?
Phil: Every time I shower.
Gil Thorpe: Well, don't worry. It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.
Phil: That is not respecting the medall-

Jay: [aside to camera] I hate crowded elevators. Only one thing worse, when they stop and you get trapped. Actually, there's one thing even worse than that. Getting trapped with him. I don't even know the guy's name. He belongs to my club. But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up when I'm at my absolute worst.

Claire: [on the phone] I'm sorry. Pepper's getting a what for your wedding?
Mitchell: A D.P. No! No, a director of photography. Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal. He won a Golden Globe.
Cameron: No, you win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.