‘The Escape’
Season 9, Episode 21 - Aired May 9, 2018
When the family visits Jay's mean sister in a nursing home, her recent stroke doesn't stop Jay, Claire and Mitchell from wanting to settle old scores. Phil, Cameron and Gloria get trapped in a basement on their way to an escape room. After meeting Arvin's parents Haley winds up in the hospital, where she is reunited with a trio of ex-boyfriends.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Guys, if it comes to it, and I mean this I want you guys to eat me.
Gloria: As I told you before, in those elevators and in the traffic jam years ago, I am not going to eat you.
Quote from Dylan
Haley: Dylan, I'm sorry you got called.
Dylan: Well, maybe you didn't delete me from your phone because you didn't delete me from your heart.
Haley: Or I just forgot.
Dylan: [scoffs] Right. I'm married, Haley, and we're monotonous. You got to move on.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything. Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand. The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr. Mona Lott.
Quote from Jay
Jay: You got this, Becky. You walk in the cabin, you push those buttons. They go beep, boop, boop, boop. What are the numbers?
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Uh-huh.
Aunt Becky: 3
Jay: Yeah?
Aunt Becky: Weeks! Since I've had my stroke, and this is the first time you come and visit, and all you can care about is that stupid cabin.
Jay: Wait. No, what?
Aunt Becky: My brain is fine!
Jay: But the doctor.
Aunt Becky: That's Fred from next door. He played a doctor on a soap opera once, and he kept the coat.
Jay: But it was hockey playoffs.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Well, Mitchell would have some conspiracy theory that this is where the staff does illicit behaviors.
Gloria: That's what it is. I have been smelling marijuana since I got here! [sniffs]
Phil: I got Gloria.
Cameron: My God, she's like a DEA dog.
Quote from Dylan
Andy: She has a boyfriend. Not me. I have a girlfriend. She's a Laker girl.
Dylan: Oh, barnacle scraper? Hot.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Ew. Are you doing laundry on the stove like in olden times? Oh, my God. Are we poor? I knew Dad's magic shop would destroy us.
Quote from Claire
Claire: No, it is my Aunt Becky's favorite tomato soup, and I am bringing it to her because she's recovering from a stroke.
Haley: Is she the mean one you guys used to be so scared of?
Claire: Oh, God, yes, especially Uncle Mitchell. It was like he was a weak gazelle and she was a hungry, homophobic cheetah.
Quote from Phil
Haley: No offense, but that soup stinks.
Claire: No, it smells fine.
Phil: Is someone burning Frisbees?
Claire: It's soup!
Phil: No, that's not it.
Quote from Haley
Nicole: So, our latest product is the most amazing scientific breakthrough stickers!
Madison: Oh, you're a genius.
Haley: What an amazing time we live in. I can't.
Nicole: So, they're designed to reduce stress and to help you boldly pursue greatness by scrambling the rational part of the brain that asks, "Does this seem right?" Anyway, since I can't test on laboratory rats, I'm gonna need you guys to try them.
Haley: Okay.
Nicole: Okay. So, wait! No one here has a pacemaker or lawyer parents, right?
Haley: No.
Nicole: Then test away!