Jay: [aside to camera] The kid's ready. Plus, if I'm being honest, I'm tired of buying diapers.
[flashback:]
Jay: Excuse me. Where do you keep the diapers?
Sales Associate: Right over here, sir. [grabs a pack of adult diapers]
Jay: You trying to be funny?
Sales Associate: We have larger sizes.

Luke: Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.
Tammy: Really? So is that your creepy twin brother who's been staring at me from the window for the last week?
Luke: Uh, I could lie and say "yes." You could pretend you weren't flattered. But why not just cut to the chase?
Tammy: What would that be?
Luke: Um... I could maybe touch something of yours.
Tammy: Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.
Luke: I like this tension. Very "Will they, when will they?"
Tammy: Go back to your room, little boy.
Luke: Got it. I'll see you from there.

Claire: Once we approach them with this, it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in with my anonymous call to the city.
Phil: You're not gonna have to report anyone. Call me David Copperfield, 'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.

Amber: By the way, Claire, earlier, I was just being nice. I do not like your new wig.
Phil: Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!
Claire: Phil!
Phil: Uh, not the color.
Claire: Hey, Phil! Still think we need to be nice?
Phil: No. It's time for more drastic measures. No one insults my banana bread.

Jay: Yeah, I-I get it. You can't pee with another guy looking at you. Not a bad thing, by the way. Son of a gun. His middle name was Clark.

Jay: You know, I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Claire: Thanks for coming so fast. Where were you when we called?
Frank: Who knows? It all looks the same. Either Arizona or New Mexico. Or maybe even regular Mexico.

Ronnie: What the hell is this?
Phil: We see your driveway boat and raise you a convoy of retirees.
Claire: Ooh, I want to have three more of your babies.

Mitchell: You wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't gone behind my back.
Cameron: I wouldn't be in this position if I had a supportive husband.
Mitchell: Okay. Really, I would love to hear how this is my fault.
Cameron: Yesterday, Lily performed her heart out for you. She was so excited to do that broom routine, and you gave her nothing. So she got desperate and she resorted to mean-spirited gags. And then all of a sudden, guess what. You're Mister McGiggles!
Mitchell: Oh, is he like an uncle to you?

Jay: [singing] Take your body down to the potty To have some fun and go number one- [stops] What is this filth?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I tried everything videos, books, parenting Web sites. I even tried to make a game out of it. Nothing could get that kid to use the toilet. By the way do not search "peeing games" on the Internet.