Phil: Hey, Dad, what's the What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth movie? My friends here were wondering.
Frank: That's my cue. Time to help my boy get rid of a boat. Uh, Lady from Shanghai?
Phil: That's the one.
Frank: I-I can't remember all the details. Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie. Or was it a baby? Funny thing none of it was in Shanghai. Or was all of it in Shanghai? Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. So either the horse or this baby...

Jay: Okay, Joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy man. Just give me a number.
Manny: Seven. I just found out that's how old I was when I learned to tie my shoes. Not two, like I was told.
Gloria: Okay, please, Manny. I might have exaggerated a little bit but I do that all the time. Colombia actually is a very normal place.

Gloria: Please, just let Joe go on his own schedule. Manny learned to potty-train when he was two and a half.
Manny: You told me it was 13 months.
Gloria: I might have exaggerated a little bit.
Manny: Two and a half isn't advanced at all. What else did you exaggerate? Did I really like Shakespeare when I was three?
Gloria: Not so much Shakespeare as Jell-O.
Manny: Was my first word really "latte"?
Gloria: Not so much "latte" as "Jell-O."
Manny: My God. I'm normal.
Jay: Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about you.

Phil: Hey, check it out. Grandpa sent us another postcard from his RV trip. "Mount Rushmore? I wish the tour guide would have rushed more." [laughs]

Claire: Phil, we have got to do something about Amber and Ronnie's boat. That thing is making it impossible to park in our driveway and it's an eyesore.
Phil: On the other hand they're our neighbors and we have to see 'em every day. I worry about rocking the boat.
Luke: You know you can do better.
Phil: Keeping me honest. I love it.

Haley: Yeah, the boat is trashy. Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.
Alex: You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate we should be glad we live near a boat.

Luke: [aside to camera] Here's all you need to know about that boat. One, Tammy LaFontaine sunbathes on it. Two, my eyeballs like looking at Tammy LaFontaine sunbathing.

Mitchell: Hey, where have you guys been?
Cameron & Lily: The San Vicente branch of the public library, then ice cream.
Mitchell: That was a weirdly specific answer.
Lily: Well, everything is normal.
Mitchell: Usually when everything is normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
Cameron: Now who's being weirdly specific?

Cameron: I have been very up front with you. You knew going in that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.
Mitchell: Yes, but then I finally realized that you weren't joking and we agreed we would wait until she was old enough to decide for herself.
Cameron: You do stuff with her all the time and you don't ask me for my permission. Just last week, you took her to the doctor without even asking!
Mitchell: Because she had an ear infection!
Cameron: Let's say we're even!

Jay: Look what I got. A throne for our little king.
Manny: Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.
Jay: Let's fix one problem at a time.