Mrs. Braithwaite: Mm. How do you know my body this well?
Jay: Right there on the "X."
Mrs. Braithwaite: [inhales sharply] Ooh.
Jay: Oh, you seem relaxed.
Luke: I should stop.
Mrs. Braithwaite: Not just yet.
Jay: If it would be easier, just hold the pen, and I will move the paper underneath.
Mrs. Braithwaite: If I'd have known you were this good, I would have had you do my feet.
Jay: He's gonna get there. He's working his way down.
Mrs. Braithwaite: Ahh.
Jay: Probably just your initials would be okay.

Mrs. Braithwaite: You know what? If you don't mind, I'm gonna sign this later, send it home with Luke. All right, come on. We're done.
Jay: Okay, but, uh you're definitely gonna sign it, right?
Mrs. Braithwaite: Definitely, promise. Bye-bye. Luke, we should probably get upstairs and flip that mattress.
[Jay leaves and then promptly reconsiders]
Jay: Luke, I'm sorry. I forgot your mom needs you home for your piano lesson. Let's go.
Luke: Gotta run. See ya. Took you long enough.
Jay: Oh, please, it was an extra 10 seconds. What could have happened?
Luke: She asked me to do push-ups while she put on her wedding dress.
Jay: Wow, she jumped right to the Honeymoon Handshake.
Luke: It has a name?
Jay: Don't you and your dad ever talk?

Gloria: Okay, hurry, because he takes a picture of her every day at the same time because he's making a flip book. Ay, watch out, watch out. I think Mitchell is looking at us.
Cameron: Okay, I thought I cooled his suspicions this morning. Laugh and disperse. [all laugh]

Manny: I don't judge. I'm wearing a clear coat on my nails.
Mitchell: Ah.
Manny: Yeah, I know, what a chowder head. Hey, speaking of that regional delicacy-
Mitchell: I am not voting to go to Boston just so we could see where America's first ghoul was potty trained.
Manny: Care to wipe the lipstick off my neck from where you bit my head off? And why is there no orange juice? My mom went out for some this morning.
Mitchell: Really?
Manny: That you find interesting? Might as well pack for SeaWorld right now.

Jay: What the hell is that? Is that a shock collar?
Gloria: I don't know, but this is a shocked face because I have never seen something like that in my life.
Jay: So you obviously bought it.
Gloria: I just didn't want Stella to walk out in the street.
Jay: That's what a leash is for! You're a bad dog owner. Bad dog owner!

Jay: Why did you have it?
Mitchell: Well, I know why. Yeah, because they're all working together.
Cameron: Oh, here we go. You should've heard his paranoia this morning about the the Russian renters?
Mitchell: Oh, I'm glad I'm glad you brought up the Russians because look at what I found!
Jay: That's my El Conquistador Especial. Gloria took that from me this morning.
Mitchell: Oh, let me guess, right before she went out to buy orange juice-
Jay: That's right.
Mitchell: Except for she wasn't. She was with Cam getting rid of the squatters while I was being stalled by that man!
Phil: They helped me hide a reindeer!

Jay: We've reached a decision. Drum roll please.
Joe: [plays out-of-rhythm drum roll]
Jay: Close enough. The family is going to... Italy!
Alex: Ah!
Luke: Yes!
Gloria: Oh, no!
Alex: That's awesome!
Haley: That's so awesome, guys!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The cutest part is that they think it was their idea.
[Gloria, Cameron and Phil laugh uproariously]

Alex: No offense, Dad, but I'm not sure these magazines are the treasure trove of information you thought they were.
Phil: What are you talking about?
Alex: "Glaciers: Now and Forever". "Canada: Our mysterious Neighbor to the North".
Luke: Don't hate these photos of the lost tribes.
Alex: That's a human head hanging off her skirt.
Phil: Kids, these magazines harken back to a time when man had to forage and fight for his foods. You guys have it too easy nowadays. You can lay around eating snacks saying, "Okay, Google, dim the kitchen lights."
Woman: Sure thing.
Alex: Go ahead, Dad.
Phil: Okay, Google, show me a video of a kangaroo playing badminton with a pirate.
Woman: Sure, playing on YouTube.
Phil: What?! [laughs]

Luke: Grandpa?
Jay: Oh, geez. I knew I should have run that yellow. Where's your shirt?
Luke: Mrs. Braithwaite wanted me to move some boxes, and told me to take it off so it didn't get dirty. But I kinda feel dirty anyway.