Haley: Wow, that is such a cool idea. It's so good to see you.
Dylan: Do you want to get some coffee sometime?
Haley: I'm not doing anything right now.
Claire: Uh, movie.
Dylan: Nice try, but not all "V" words work, Mrs. D.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell really embraced this whole "take a little break" thing far more than I expected. But for years, he supported both of us while I pursued my passions: photography, hip-hop dancing, fox hunting. So I couldn't be the one to tell him to get a job. But maybe somebody else could.

Haley: You scheduled your breakup?
Sanjay: Yes, Labor Day. That's when I leave for school.
Alex: 86% relationships end in failure. It's the only logical course of action.
Haley: That is the least romantic thing I've ever heard. Stay together.
Luke: Wrong. Break up. College is the sexiest candy store in the world. You don't want to show up with your jaws wired shut.

Claire: Ugh. I can't believe we've got that dodo back in our lives.
Phil: At least Haley's happy.
Claire: Honey, could you at least take that t-shirt off?
Phil: They loved it at the deli. They were kvelling.

Jay: You know what's happening here, don't you? You're having a mid-life crisis.
Mitchell: Oh, my god.
Jay: Some guys, it's fast cars and women. Me, it was golf. You, it's just a little gayer.
Mitchell: I know like 10 lesbians who could out-golf you.

Cameron: Haley, your dad's on the phone. He says it's urgent.
Manny: He's with a surgeon?
Jay: I think he said "sturgeon."
Mitchell: Cam, is it "surgeon" or "sturgeon"?
Cameron: I am ripping these stupid braces off the second I get home.

Mitchell: Oh, god. Oh.
Lily: Daddy looks tense.
Cameron: He's just paying bills. Is everything okay, honey?
Mitchell: Oh, you walked over here. I just thought you Uber-ed everywhere. Okay, I got to breathe. That's still free, isn't it?

Cameron: So why don't you take this chance to do something fun, find a hobby? You know, every time we go to a gallery, you always say, "I could paint something that stupid." Well, prove it.
Mitchell: You know what? I have. I've always wanted to paint.
Cameron: And the place upstairs is gonna be a rental gold mine. Once we paint it, we furnish it, we fix the electric, redo the plumbing, and figure out why that brown spot won't stop growing.
Mitchell: It's growing?

Haley: Mom, I'm just gonna go take a nap.
Claire: Oh, sweetheart, do you want me to snuggle with you till you fall asleep?
Phil: Okay, that's it. Pity party's over. Time for some Dunphy fun. We are going to the movies. [stroking Haley's hair] When was the last time you showered?
Haley: What day is it?
Phil: We will wait.

Manny: I have a question. Uh, I attend high school with one of your graduates, a Theodore Durkas. Did you turn him into a monster, or was he always like that?
Miss Ford: I actually remember Teddy Durkas. He was a lovely boy.
Manny: I'll give him your regards next time he's making one of my nurples purple.