Gloria: Those are the gifts from my cousins! [gasps] Beautiful! Back home we call these suéteres de Navidad.
Manny: So... Christmas sweaters.

Gloria: Oh, look, they also sent a banana leaf wreath. [shouts] Ay, no! Banana spider!
Jay: What is that?!
Gloria: It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!
Jay: I know what deadly means!

Cameron: [aside to camera] We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas. It's tough with his mom being in prison.
Mitchell: Plus, his holiday season kind of got off to a rough start.
[flashback:]
Cameron: You know, of all of our wonderful ornament selects, these are my fave. Merry Christmas!
Mitchell: From Mitch and Cam!
Mitchell: ♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪ ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪
Cameron: ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ ♪ All for the little ones' Christmas joy ♪
Both: ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ ♪ Oh, up on the housetop, click, click, click ♪
[back:]
Cameron: He was fine.
Mitchell: Fine!
Cameron: He was fine. We barely got through three verses and a repeat chorus before we realized our mistake. Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
Mitchell: Yeah.

Cameron: Hey, Santa. So, just wondering if you could you do us a favor and tell us what our nephew just asked for for Christmas?
Santa: I know you. You're that lawyer.
Mitchell: Oh, no. This is never good.
Santa: You're the ADA who charged me with public intoxication. Got me sentenced to fifty hours community service... working as a mall Santa is part of it.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, I'm sorry. But can't we move past that? We really need to know what our nephew asked for.
Santa: He asked for a more lenient justice system.
Cameron: Well, I doubt that. He's pretty conservative. We have to pretend to be roommates.

Claire: Where's the tree? Where are the gifts?
Luke: I assumed you canceled Christmas because you found out that I... But I interrupted you.
Claire: Did your dad take them to his showing? He's always doing this. He steals my decorations to stage his houses to make them homier. He swore he would stop doing this!
Luke: At least he left the "wreaf."
Claire: Wreath.
Luke: Eh, I've heard it both ways.
Claire: No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right.

Dylan: It's the perfect way to get your mom in a good mood. Think about it. Cupcakes are little cakes just like babies are little people.

Mitchell: Oh, it really is the most wonderful time of the year. Isn't it?
Cameron: Beautiful.
Mitchell: So, listen, do you mind if...
Elf: Do you think you're the first parents wanting to take a peek at my scroll? Better stick something in my bootie.
Mitchell: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cameron: I'm sorry. What?
Elf: Cash in the slipper, perv.

Cameron: Uh, we'll look at pictures of Cal in line and then match the kids up behind him with the toys on the list.
Mitchell: Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid, he maybe wants the, uh...
Cameron: There's no time to be politically correct. He wants the calculator.
Mitchell: Calculator.
Cameron: And he wants it bad. Yeah.
Mitchell: Wait, does that mean that this little boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?
Cameron: Yep, look at the turned-out foot.
Mitchell: Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.

Jay: Okay, you got this. You're quicker than those things.
Manny: I doubt that.
Jay: You're smarter.
Manny: I can't make a web out of nothing.
Jay: Plus, you got a weapon.
Manny: A leaf blower?
Jay: Hey, that thing can blow a Pomeranian through a hedge. Let's just say little Mimi from next door won't be visiting our lawn anymore.

Claire: Hello, Phil.
Phil: Oh!
Claire: Oh, that's right. The tree's back where it belongs.
Phil: You stole it?!
Claire: Oh, no, you did. Just like you stole my family of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys, my inflatable Easter bunny, and my Uncle Sam piñata, all for your open houses. Today was my chance to shed a very unfair reputation.
Phil: Claire...
Claire: I put two people in the hospital one time, and now I'm a Christmas ruiner.
Phil: Fire!