Jay: Stop! He wasn't bitten. He bumped his head when he went back in the house to grab my medication.
Gloria: What medication?
Claire: Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay?
Phil: We're gonna get through this, buddy.
Jay: It's an elbow cream that I secretly use every night after Gloria falls asleep.
Gloria: You sent our son into the nest of a deadly spider for a beauty cream?
Jay: It's a medicine that treats the heartbreaking condition of dry elbow! It requires a veterinarian's prescription because it's primarily used on rhinos and elephants. [all chuckling] I see on our march to become a perfect society, elbow shaming is still allowed.

Dylan: Can somebody save my life?
Jay: Oh, Cam, grab a foot.
Cameron: Yep.
Jay: God, he's really wedged in there.
Manny: Ah, if only we had some kind of award-winning, placenta-based lubricant.

Dylan: Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
Alex: So, he's still alive... Must mean you haven't told Mom you're pregnant yet.
Haley: We want to be careful to do it right.
Alex: Now you're being careful? I can't keep this secret anymore. Look at me!
Haley: [gasps]
Dylan: Ugh. She's going gray.
Haley: Oh my God, she is! I was just gasping at the haircut.

Haley: Well, we're telling them today, okay? That way, if Mom freaks, she'll have 10 days in Bermuda to calm down.
Alex: Okay, then go now! She's never in a better mood than on Christmas Eve.
Dylan: Wait, is this a good way to tell her? We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire," and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma," we go, "Tell that to Haley and my's baby."
Alex: Promise me you won't home school this kid.

Haley: Hey, Mom. What are you doing?
Claire: Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.
Alex: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card. You know how sensitive he gets about his piano placement.
Luke: Remember that one year where his card was slightly behind the one from our old babysitter?
Alex: Mm, I believe he spoke the charming phrase, "And who is this whore?"

Dylan: Check out the sledding polar bear paper. Can't look at that and not be in a good mood, huh?
Haley: Yeah.
Claire: I am so sick of that stuff. I ordered five rolls from some kid for a school drive. He shows up with fifty... his fault. Kid bursts into tears. Like it's on me that he can't count?
Luke: I was six, Mom.
Claire: Mm.

Phil: Bermuda just gets it. Formal yet casual.
Claire: And home of the most perfectly tanned lower thigh, upper knee region in the world.
Phil: It's not hard to pick out a Bermudan in a locker room.

Claire: Wait. Well, this can't be right. This itinerary says we're on four flights with three layovers.
Phil: Oh, yeah, um... Remember how I found that amazing airline deal online?
Claire: Yeah, but two of these layovers are six hours each.
Phil: Yes, but the third one's only minutes.
Claire: But it's at O'Hare. Honey, we'll have to sprint from one end of the airport to the other.
Phil: It'll all be worth it when we wake up on December 27th in Bermuda, where the forecast predicts... hot fog.

Claire: Wait, hang on. Don't leave. Don't leave. What is Economy Minus?
Phil: A plus, actually, since no one's jealous of people with aisle seats, because it's basically two innovative eighteen-person benches facing each other.

Gloria: Who moved Cam's card? He's gonna be very upset if he's not on the mantel!
Manny: I put it in a drawer until he gets here. That glitter was getting on everything.
Joe: I breathed some of that in. I cough gold now.