Luke: Um, why didn't you fight harder about the ducks?
Claire: You heard what he said. The ducks could leave any day now.
Luke: Yeah, or it could be two months from now.
Claire: Or any day now.
Luke: Or a month and a half fr-
Claire: How are you not getting this?

Gloria: Mitch called. He wants to know when are you bringing the air mattress for Lily's sleepover.
Jay: You know, for a guy who refuses to buy his own air mattresses, he's pretty particular about when they arrive.

Gloria: No, no! Don't eat my sauce. Then I won't have enough to sell at the farmers' market. [pokes Jay in the stomach]
Jay: No. Oh, geez. Not the fat finger. You always do this when I put on a few.
Gloria: I didn't say anything.
Jay: It's not what you say. It's that damn lard dipstick finger of yours. It disappeared up to the second knuckle.

Cameron: Y'all ready for this? I got our sauce into the granddaddy of all holiday gift baskets.
Gloria: Which one?
Cameron: It's called Granddaddy's Holiday Gift Baskets. Very exclusive.

Gloria: No! It's too much sauce for too little time. And anyways, I don't have the key ingredient the blood peppers. And my cousin can't send me more from Colombia until next week.
Cameron: One spicy step ahead of you. Enter the Serrano pepper! Chi-caw! No one will know the difference.
Gloria: I will. This sauce is part of my heritage. I cannot turn my back on who I am.
Cameron: Didn't your hair used to be darker?

Phil: I noticed a few of your professors in those mouth-controlled wheelchairs.
Alex: I think some of them are just faking it to try and look cool.

Alex: Yeah. Come check out these gloves. They're awesome. Any movement, even the slightest motion, will be mirrored by the robotic hands. Possible applications are bomb defusement, nuclear reactor repair, and remote neurosurgery.
Phil: What has two thumbs and any lady robot he wants? This guy.
Alex: Dad, this isn't a toy.
Phil: Hello, my loyal robot subjects.
Alex: Dad?
Phil: Jazz hands!
Alex: The other robots are staring!
Phil: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Alex: So, what's going on at home?
Phil: Well, Haley and Luke aren't around much. Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome and nobody gets it. You wouldn't believe this, but one of them can fetch.
Alex: Of course I believe it. One of my professors taught a chimpanzee how to play the saxophone. We all think he's great, but he only plays jazz, so there's no way to tell.

Phil: Oh, my god. It's happening! They're rising up! Turn off! I command you to turn off!

Manny: Okay, follow my plan to the letter, and in 10 minutes, we'll have peppers in hand. It's Saturday. William will be working the rose garden. Fortunately, he'll be distracted. Right now, the aphids have the upper hand. Cam, when you reach the stream, follow it south southeast to the hummingbird exhibit. Interact with no one. Mom, to avoid detection, take a circuitous route to the Edmund and Miriam Rabinowitz pepper patch. I'll re-route the senior citizens' tour, so they're not around when you arrive at the peppers. Be on alert. There may be added security.