Jay: What's this stuff?
Mitchell: Uh, mom, uh, mailed me a bunch of stuff from her garage. She thought I might like a VCR and a bunch of old tapes.
Jay: Sweet of Dede to mail you her garbage. "Jane Fonda Complete Workouts," "It's Not You, It's Him," "Cooking With Chocolate." Pretty much the arc of our whole marriage.

Jay: Mitchell?
Lily: [o.s.] In the kitchen, Grandpa!
Jay: Vietnamese girls and a man in makeup. When does Bob Hope take the stage?
Mitchell: Delightful.

Jay: Yes, ma'am?
Mitchell: I don't want to be the fun dad anymore. I need to knock these girls out quick. Teach me.
[cut to:]
Jay: Let's go, ladies! Reach to the sky!
Mitchell: How are you better at this than Jane Fonda?
Jay: Mitchell, you can't talk and feel the burn at the same time. Donkey-kick like you mean it, Jennifer.

Mitchell: I'm just curious, because this tape was on its way to goodwill, and all of a sudden, you pulled it out of your back pocket.
Jay: I put on a couple of extra pounds, and Jane got me out of a similar situation in the '80s.
Mitchell: Please tell me you were wearing leg warmers.
Jay: Leave me alone.
Jay: We got this, girls. March it out.
Mitchell: Well, for whatever it's worth, Dad, I didn't notice.
Jay: Gloria did. She did that little poke thing to my spare tire. Lily, keep the beat. I hate to admit it, but it bugged the hell out of me. Kim-ly, we're punching and we're stepping. Care to join us? So, I figured I'd do this workout every damn day of the week until I was nothing but abs, buns, and thighs. Work your glutes, Tiffany! This is your problem area.

Luke: Why aren't they going anywhere?
Haley: Well, miss thing over there is still getting herself ready. I swear she spent all morning looking at her reflection in the water bowl.
Luke: How about that weirdo? Did you see when he got his bill stuck in his cage yesterday? What a sweet little dope.
Claire: I know. He's lucky his sister is so smart. You know, she figured out how to unlatch the cage and set him free. Oh, my god. Do you guys see what's happening? No. Of course you don't. The reason why your dad is so attached to these ducks is they remind him of you guys. We got to get them home.

Luke: What's the point in getting two ducks if we don't have the third one?
Haley: And how are we supposed to find the Alex duck? Wait until New Year's Eve and see which one stays home?

Gloria: This is my family's sauce, and you have already tried to change the recipe, you took a huge order without even asking me. And now this? If I am going to Flavor City, I am going by myself.
Cameron: You're breaking up with me?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: When I first started dating Cam, his ex-boyfriend gave me a heads up. He said, "Cam's a great guy, but I hope you never have to break up with him." And I said, "Why? Does he get angry, weepy, jealous, despondent?" He said, "Yes."
[back:]
Cameron: [to Gloria] You're breaking up with me? This business was my idea. I got you into the farmers' market. I got you into those baskets. You were nothing but a housewife when I found you. I didn't mean that. I've always admired you. Being a housewife is the hardest job on the planet. You're never not at work. It's just, how did we get to this place? Unless... There's someone else, isn't there? Oh, how could I be so blind? Let me guess somebody with more experience? Somebody Colombian? Well, you're no picnic, either. So, who is it? Hmm? Say something!

Manny: [aside to camera] I've seen my mom break up with a lot of guys. She has this weird power to get them to do all the work. One minute, they're a mess. The next, they're thanking her for the best year of their lives. The last guy helped us move into Jay's house.

Phil: I got home early and noticed the six of you had ducked out.
Claire: Well, we know how much you love the ducks, and and we wanted to play with them, too. And we-
Phil: And what, Claire? The craziest thing happened? You turned a hard corner, the cage banged open, one of them hit the sunroof button, and out they flew, leaving us with nothing but an empty- I interrupted you. Go on.
Claire: We have not always loved the ducks, Phil, but I think we're starting to get it.
Haley: Yeah. We want them to stay. We know why you love them.
Phil: Thank you. I always knew it was only a matter of time before these little scamps waddled into your hearts just like they did mine. Now, come on. Help me throw them out the window.

Phil: Look, we have provided them with a good home. When they're ready, they'll leave. Could be any day. Oh, and in the duck's defense, Claire, you can't stick your leg out of your robe at breakfast and then pretend to hate the attention.