Jay: Hello.
Mrs. Tran: Your husband?
Mitchell: My dad.
Jay: And I prefer brunettes, without beards. I like women.

Jay: Little tip you might want the girls to blow up these air mattresses, tire them out a little bit.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm not trying to tire them out. No. I'm the fun dad, okay? I want them to have a good time.
Jay: That's a rookie mistake. When you are Claire were kids, I was the sleepover champ, undefeated. There was never a kid that was awake later than 7:30.
Mitchell: Oh, no. I remember my 10th birthday. You let us wash your car, and then we carried the grandfather clock to the dump.
Jay: Yeah, sun exposure plays a big part.

Phil: Oh, honey, I am so sorry about what happened in there.
Alex: Don't worry about me, but, you know, those robots are programmed to hold a grudge.

Phil: Did something happen?
Alex: No, it's just... Ugh, the people here are all so immature. They are always banging on your door with a beaker full of margaritas, and... The nerd noise is deafening. Did you bring those noise-canceling headphones I asked Mom for?
Phil: Oh, I am so sorry. I forgot. Sometimes my brain cancels out your mom's noise.

Mitchell: Okay, Dad, no offense, but I've been listening to you whine about gaining and losing the same 10 pounds since, at age 60, you married the most beautiful woman in the world. And while I appreciate what might be the rich-white-mannest of rich-white-man problems, this tape is only energizing these little girls.

Haley: They're gone.
Claire: Oh, my god. Where are they? Oh, god.
Luke: What the hell? Does everyone get rid of their ducks here?

Luke: Can't we just pick any three?
Claire: Mnh-mnh. Your father will know immediately.
Haley: Look. I think that might be the dumb Luke duck.
Luke: The one entertaining the others?
Haley: His head is caught in the Fritos bag.
Luke: Hey. Isn't that your duck?
Haley: Where?
Luke: The one pushing oats around with its beak, pretending to eat.

Claire: Don't just stand there. Get your ducks.
Haley: I just spent a week's salary on these shoes. I'm not- Oh, look at those big brown eyes. They take up half her face! I'm coming, Princess!

Phil: Um, I found this inhaler. Do you know whose it is?
Alex: There's only six people here who don't use those. They throw them in the air at graduation.

Phil: Hey, honey. I'm sorry about earlier. I think maybe being on a college campus took me back, and some of my own first-year insecurities bubbled up. I didn't know anybody, and no matter how hard I tried, I was always on the outside. And then suddenly, one day, something clicked and I was in. I mean, you never know.
Alex: I mean, just because that happened to you, doesn't mean that's-
Phil: No, no, no, no, no. That's that's my point. My story isn't your story. As intimidating as this place may be, I've never seen you walk away from a challenge. If you tell me you've given it your best shot, then I know you have. So don't be mad at me, okay?
Alex: I'm not mad.
Phil: All right, kiddo. Your mom and I will be back next week to pack you up. I love you.
Alex: I love you, too.