Receptionist: Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
Jay: I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
Receptionist: Not unless you want the vasectomy.
Jay: Where were you six months ago?
Receptionist: Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.
Jay: Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?
Man: [in agony] He just ran ou-
Jay: You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.