Lewis: What about you, Fizzy? Or you gonna come or you gonna break up this party, too? Hey, shotgun, bitches!
Cameron: I should, you know, probably go. You know, for- for Al.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, no, of course. But, hey, listen, don't let him get to you, all right?
Cameron: No. It's fine. It's all seltzer under the bridge. Just one drink, and then I'll be home.
Mitchell: Okay. Just drive me home first?
Cameron: No, you, uh, you- You take the car. I, uh, I'll go with the guys.
Mitchell: In that tiny car? How are you all possibly gonna- Forget I asked!

Mitchell: It's 5:00 in the morning.
Lily: Daddy's juggling!
Mitchell: Lily, honey, what are you doing up? Are you just getting home?
Cameron: Yeah, things got a little out of hand. Somebody had a flower that squirted Tequila.
Lewis: What do you mean "somebody"? I want full credit. What up, red?

Lily: Teach me to juggle!
Lewis: It's very simple. The key is to be aware of where everything is at all times. [crashes into refrigerator]
Cameron: And don't forget the importance of balance! [falls]
Mitchell: Oh! Whoa! Okay. Okay. Come on.
Cameron: I think I cracked my eggs.
Lewis: [spit take] We're out of eggs? Are you yolking? And I haven't eaten in five days!
Cameron: [spit take] Five days! Are you cereal? [slips]
Mitchell: Lily, don't ever do that.
Lily: [spit take on Mitchell]

Claire: Okay. You two are deliberately not confirming me. Everybody else has accepted my Facebook requests: your father, Uncle Mitchell, Adele. That's right. Adele has agreed to be my friend, and my own daughters haven't.
Alex: Yeah, you may just be a fan of Adele, and...
Claire: What is so private that I can't possibly see it?
Haley: Nothing. Nothing.
Claire: So you just don't want to be my friend? Great. I can see my next status update, "My daughters are monsters."

Phil: You're not gonna believe this. Mitzi got the listing.
Claire: Oh, no, honey. That's awful. She cheated, she lied, and she won.
Phil: Kids, gather 'round.
Haley: Again, we are gathered.

Phil: You wanna get ahead? Don't play by the rules. Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold, dog-eat-dog world.
Luke: It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.
Claire: Honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. He has values and morals and-
Phil: Shh. You. Keep talking.
Luke: Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen and record her admitting what she did. And then you could play it for those people so they realize what a jerk she is.
Claire: Your dad is never gonna do that-
Phil: You're a regular chatterbox today! Get me that pen!

Gloria: You were right. This boy is not here to see Manny.
Jay: I told you. You see the way he looks at me?
Gloria: No, Fonzie, the way he looks at me. He couldn't talk. He kept staring. He was just like my teachers back in school.
Jay: Gloria, you're very pretty. But the kid idolizes me.
Gloria: Really? Griffin! Manny! Do you want to go with Jay to ride his motorcycle, or you want to go with me to the supermarket and buy a couple of onions?
Manny: Motorcycle rides!
Griffin: Onions sound good.
Jay: Huh. Guess he has a thing for you, too.

Cameron: Hey! We're back!
Mitchell: Hey, I-I just finished cleaning the kitchen, so if anyone has to do a spit take, please do it over the sink.
Lewis: We felt really bad about that, so we got you a present.
Mitchell: What- What's the deal with this? I open it up and snakes fly out, or a fire?
Lewis: No, we just know that you like to read.
Cameron: Yeah.
Lewis: So open it. [Mitchell opens the book and a flame appears] Aah! Got him!
Mitchell: No. No. That's exactly what I expected. 'Member, when I told you?

Lewis: Okay. Look, it's almost go time, so we should have a shot and go white up.
Mitchell: I'm sor- Excuse me. "White up"?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. Lewis got a call to do a birthday party this afternoon, so we're gonna put the old act back together.
Lewis: Yeah, Fizbo & Lewis, together again. And they said it would never happen.
Mitchell: Said. Hoped.

Mitzi Roth: What are you doing here?
Phil: Hey, um, I-I brought you some soup. You know, I thought about it, and maybe I did push you. So how's the ankle?
Mitzi Roth: Oh, come on, Dunphy. You know I flopped. Haven't you ever seen an NBA game? Oh, I'm sorry. In your case, WNBA.
Phil: So that was all a ruse?
Mitzi Roth: The oldest trick in the book. You need to step up your game, son. You know what? I almost feel sorry for you. Come here. Give me a big hug. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No hard feelings, huh?
Phil: None at all. Because I just recorded your entire confession right here on my-
Mitzi Roth: Spy pen? Second-oldest trick in the book. Oh, God. A real man would have just poisoned the soup. Are we done here?