Manny: Are you kidding? It's fantastic!
Jay: How is it fantastic?
Manny: I'm only hanging out with him because I have the hots for his sister Chloe. You've met Griffin. The kid's a doorknob.
Gloria: So you're just using him?
Manny: Yeah, and I felt really guilty about it until now. Now it's a win-win.
Gloria: Not for me!
Manny: Just suck it up, mom. I've done a lot for you over the years. Jay, you, too. This girl could be the one. Then I'm out of your hair forever. Pool party, mom. Dress accordingly.

Luke: Can you help me reach that box of cereal? Hey. You're Mitzi Roth. I recognize you from your ads.
Mitzi Roth: Smokin', right?
Luke: I'm Luke Dunphy. My dad's Phil Dunphy.
Mitzi Roth: I'm sorry.
Luke: Why do you hate him so much?
Mitzi Roth: It's just business, kid. It's not personal.
Luke: Well, it's personal to us. I've never seen my dad so worried before. I have this spy pen, and I heard him talking to my mom, and he's scared about paying for my sister's college next year. And I guess he's nervous about some kind of party, because he said there's a big balloon payment. Anyways, he's like the best dad ever, so maybe you could be a little nicer to him.

Phil: Mitzi.
Mitzi Roth: Your kid forgot his cereal. There's a surprise in every box. Spoiler alert: it's diabetes.

Claire: Oh! You know what we gotta do? We gotta get a picture of us all together on a boat. I think that's a thing now. So what do you say? Accept my friend thingy.
Alex: Sorry, mom, I-I didn't get a friend thingy from you.
Haley: Yeah, you know, they have a lot of blocks on there to protect kids from weirdos.

Haley: [aside to camera] We got her request the first time, but ignored it. I can't have her on there snooping around seeing what I'm doing at parties.
Alex: Or posting pictures of us on family vacations wearing old, dorky clothes. [off Haley's look] What? What's wrong with this?

Luke: Dad, check it out. I made one giant Oreo.
Phil: Luke, what are you doing? You gotta eat it like it's an ear of corn.
Luke: Genius.

Phil: Kids, gather 'round. It's time for a life lesson.
Haley: Aren't we already gathered?
Phil: Let me tell you something. Hard work, determination, and perseverance always win out. I am living proof that nice guys can finish first.

Phil: [aside to camera] Today I have a chance to get the biggest listing of my career.
Claire: Oh, I have never seen this man so focused.
Phil: I'm like a boxer before the big fight. That's why I didn't have sex with Claire last night. Sorry, honey.
Claire: Mm. It's--it's okay.
Phil: But as soon as I get this listing-- Ding!
Claire: Let's just stop. Stop.

Jay: When did you guys become buddies? Was it a football game in the yard? You made a great catch?
Manny: No, that didn't happen. But the librarian told me one day I'll be a great catch.

Lewis: What do you say we hit a bar? Tip a few back to Al, huh?
Chuckleberry: I heard you were in jail.
Lewis: Yeah? I heard you're still doing that lame giant scissors bit, you blue-haired hack.