Cameron: Call and cancel.
Mitchell: Then who's gonna save your dinner? Besides, we don't even know if the concierge is actually Keifth.
Cameron: I'm gonna forget the velvety baritone that abandoned me in the middle of the night? And plus, he walks in here, I lose it, I don't want Lily to see that.
Mitchell: Oh, she's not here. She has that sleepover, and she already leffffth.

Gloria: What about Phil and Claire to take care of Joe?
Jay: I don't know. Isn't Phil kind of silly?
Gloria: What are you talking about? Phil is a great father. He's kind. He's fun. Even Lily likes him.
Jay: But is he too likeable? Where's the gravitas?
Gloria: He's full of energy. He's sensitive, and he never, ever gets grumpy.
Jay: Fine. Why don't you give Joe to Super Dad right now, then?

Gloria: Oh, my God, are you really jealous because Phil might be a better father than you?
Jay: I know it's stupid. Not to mention the fact that Joe gets Claire in the deal. She's a fantastic mother. Runs a company, hell of a role model. He could never do better than that for a mother.
Gloria: You know what, Phil and Claire have already raised their kids. I think it's time for them to travel.

Haley: There must be a bus stop nearby. Until then, just act normal like we don't have [whispering] $40,000 on us.
Alex: Okay, why are you whispering only part of a sentence? That's going to attract attention.
Haley: Really? More than you being covered in sweat? Because you look like a sauna wall.
Alex: You're right. How do I make myself stop sweating?
Haley: [crying] I don't know!
Alex: Oh, don't cry. Crying's worse than sweating. [crying] Oh look, now I'm crying too!
Haley: Maybe we can smile our way out of this. [both sobbing]

Claire: Well, Frank, I'm really sorry about that hose thing.
Frank: Oh, no hard feelings. Shirt needed freshening anyway. I haven't washed it since we stopped to take pictures at Smokey-Top, Utah's longest, continuously burning tire fire.

Cameron: Mitchell, sorry to interrupt. I didn't know you were with a common worker.
Keifth Banks: Can it be?
Cameron: Hmm?
Keifth Banks: Cameron Tucker.
Cameron: Yes. I'm sorry. You are?
Keifth Banks: Keifth.
Cameron: Keifth. I-I don't believe I know...

Frank: It's like I said in my wedding toast that bride of yours is fearless.
Phil: Yeah. Funny thing is, we went to an amusement park earlier today and she was too scared to get on this one ride. Or she pretended to be so that I wouldn't have to admit how scared I was. I have a hunch that she's not the only one who's trying to protect my feelings today.
Frank: You seem to be rambling, son.
Phil: When you hugged Claire earlier, she felt a ring box in your pocket.
Frank: What? That wasn't a ring box. It was... Where am I? I'm so old and confused.

Frank: Son, can we please not do this?
Phil: Fine. Knock, knock.
Frank: That's more like it. Who's there?
Phil: Your son.
Frank: Your son, who?
Phil: Your son who'd hate to think you threw away a shot at happiness just to protect his feelings.

Haley: Here it is. All here. Just take it from me.
Alex: That's the most stress I've ever felt, and I spent two weeks underground as part of an isolation study.

[Peacock squawks]
Haley: Oh, my God! Look!
Gloria: What?
Keifth Banks: Cast your spell, nature's kaleidoscope!
Haley: Why is there a blue turkey going into the house?
Alex: It's a peacock.
Phil: It's really plowing through the Cheez-Its.