Cameron: Okay, me next. Me next. Oh it's an apron with with bells on it.
Gloria: And it says, "Cam and get it!"
Cameron: Oh, so that's not a mistake?
Jay: We spent extra cash to get that custom made. Came to me in a dream.

Mitchell: Well, that was a scare.
Jay: Nothing happened. I know where you're going with this.
Mitchell: This is why I've been hounding you about your estate planning.
Gloria: No, Mitch. Don't put that horrible thing out in the universe! [spits, exhales forcefully]
Claire: Dad, you still haven't done that?
Mitchell: They haven't updated their paperwork since Joe was born. Uh, God forbid something bad should happen to them we don't even know who'd they want to raise Joe.
Gloria: Shh! [spits]
Jay: Will you stop scaring her? I spend more money on eyelashes than most of you do on health care. Fine, we'll do it today. What better way to start the new year than by preparing for the worst?

Lorraine: Plus, he had me to keep him company.
Phil: Lorraine?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Lorraine was my babysitter growing up. She was also my first crush and also the star of my first, um "funny dream."

Frank: Yeah, Lorraine used to bring out the holy terror in Phil. It seemed like he wanted to be spanked by her.
Phil: No, I did not.
Claire: How long has this been going on?
Frank: Well, we reconnected earlier this year on jury duty. I was the lone holdout on a triple homicide case. You can just feel when someone is innocent, you know?
Claire: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Frank: But Lorraine said she'd go out to lunch with me if I changed my vote, so here we are.

Keifth: [on the phone] Thank you for calling E-Butler, Mr. Pritchett. How may I make your day more E-fficient?
Mitchell: Okay, um, well, this is a weird request.
Keifth: Keep in mind, erotic tasks are billed at twice the normal rate.
Mitchell: Uh, no, I-I need you to secretly deliver a whole roasted pig.
Keifth: With extreme pleasure. Requests like these remind me why I E-buttle.

Keifth: [on the phone] I found a trattoria in Little Polynesia that can spare a fully roasted pig.
Cameron: Mitchell.
Keifth: Sorry for the delay.
Mitchell: It w- It was a minute and a half.
Keifth: You can't know my shame. I'll deliver the porcine parcel within the hour.
Mitchell: Okay, that that is great. I will- I will see you then.

Mitchell: What is wrong with you?
Cameron: Okay, my circus boyfriend who left me in the middle of the night that was him. And now he's coming here?! This is no way to ring in a new year. [bells jingle]

Lorraine: Is it weird we've barely seen Phil since we've been here?
Frank: He was always a wanderer. It's the curse of being a genius.

Phil: Okay, there's something you don't know.
Claire: She used to be your babysitter, and you had the hots for her.
Phil: How?
Claire: What is the plan, honey? Are you just gonna avoid them?
Phil: I just need a minute to get comfortable with this, okay? I mean, did he always have a crush on her, even when my mom was around? It's one thing for a 13-year-old to position his babysitter in front of an open refrigerator so that he can enjoy the backlit contours of her beautiful body in the silk blouse he stole from Randall's mother. But what if he was doing the same thing?

Phil: You know we don't talk in my family. We riff. We do bits. You know how my dad told me my grandmother died? In a knock-knock joke.