‘Ringmaster Keifth’
Season 8, Episode 10 - Aired January 4, 2017
After his Thanksgiving culinary debacle, Cameron decides to treat the family to a New Year's Day feast with a whole roasted pig. When the meal threatens to become another disaster, Cameron convinces Mitchell to use his "concierge gift card" to requisition a replacement pig. Unfortunately, the concierge turns out to be Cameron's ex-boyfriend, Keifth, who left without saying goodbye. Meanwhile, Phil is uncomfortable when his dad, Frank, comes to town with Phil's former babysitter. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria confront the difficult question of who should raise Joe if anything were to happen to them.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: How am I saying it wrong? His name is Keith.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: Keef?
Cameron: It couldn't be simpler. K-E-I-F-T-H. Keifth. Fth. Fth. A remarkable name for a remarkable man.
Mitchell: Isn't ringmaster basically a ceremonial position?
Cameron: Uh, wow. I would love to live in your fantasy world where circuses run themselves.
Quote from Frank
Phil: So, uh, place looks great.
Frank: Yeah, Lorraine really spruced it up. Curtains, brass safety rails over the privy. That was really a lifesaver. She stopped short on the I-90 once. I came rolling out of there like a Chinese acrobat.
Quote from Phil
Phil: As I guess you heard, I had no reason to be worried. He didn't even notice when Lorraine was my babysitter. Plus, they're not even that serious.
Claire: I felt a ring box in his pocket.
Phil: What? No way.
Claire: Yep. There's only one thing shaped like that.
Phil: No, there isn't. There's a million things Rubik's Cube, sewing kit, souvenir tire keychain from Smokey-Top. I can't think of anything that's not shaped like that.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: No, C-Cam, didn't you tell me you once dated someone named Keifth?
Cameron: Oh, yes. Keifth. What was it you did again? I remember you wore white gloves and and gestured a lot. Subway mime?
Keifth Banks: I commanded a circus.
Cameron: Yes. Now I remember. How have you been? I see you're in pig delivery now?
Keifth Banks: I'm a concierge. The circus business has gotten rather difficult. People today, they don't have the patience for the more elegant pleasures of yesteryear: men putting their heads into lion's mouths, unfortunate little people being shot from cannons.
Quote from Cameron
Keifth Banks: To the matter at hand. The swap will be difficult. Fortunately, I have had a bit of experience with misdirects just tell the audience to keep your eyes on the center ring! They won't even notice the trapeze act suffering through the more vivid stages of food poisoning.
Cameron: That happened. I was there.
Mitchell: Oh.
Keifth Banks: First, I will release a live peacock, an exotic beauty of the Orient into the yard.
Cameron: Magical.
Keifth Banks: Then, I will need something to lure him inside to draw the family's attention. Do you happen to have any Andalusian filberts?
Mitchell: No.
Keifth Banks: Then Cheez-Its will do. Naturally, everyone will be transfixed. And while they're distracted, we will swap out the pigs, the dinner will be saved, and the show will go on. Just let me sneak a peek at the backyard.
Quote from Gloria
Mitchell: We got to lightning round these forms. You guys are overthinking this. Everybody knows in their heart what they want. They just feel bad about making the decision. So, who will be the executor of your estate? Go.
Jay: You.
Mitchell: Aww. Okay. Um, do you want to leave anything to charity?
Gloria: Yes. 10% to whatever is sexy at the time we die like, um, orphans or whatever.
Quote from Manny
Mitchell: Um, who do you want as Joe's legal guardian? No, no, don't think. Just answer, okay? If something happens to both of you, who do you want to take care of Joe?
Manny: Me, obviously.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, you're too young. Besides, you're about to start your new life soon.
Jay: Yeah, you should be out sowing your oats or just sewing. That's something you like.
Manny: [scoffs] I don't see what the big deal is. I'd hire a nanny, sell the house, downsize to a condo. I'm thinking maybe a loft in an up-and-coming arts district. Sure, it'll take me a bit longer to finish college, but aren't those the best years of life, anyway? The main thing is, he's my brother. I'm not letting anybody else raise him.
Gloria: Ay, Manny. You're so sweet.
Jay: Am I the only one unsettled by how much he's thought about that already?
Quote from Phil
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Trinidad and Tobago!
Claire: Why are you avoiding Frank?
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: [aside to camera] Then it hit me. It could be therapeutic for Cam to see this ridiculously named circus person who deserted him because that incident could be the very root of his pretty intense abandonment issues, which are not unchallenging.
[flashback to Mitchell getting out of bed in the middle of the night:]
Cameron: Where are you going?
Mitchell: To the bathroom.
Cameron: Well, have a nice life.
Quote from Alex
Haley: Alex and I are just here to raid your guys' closet for some vintage clothing.
Alex: Yeah, we're going to a '90s music festival called Fo-shizzle-fest.