Manny: You know, I stopped by the restaurant a couple times and she wasn't there.
Alex: When?
Manny: Uh, I don't remember. I was at the mall for a movie.
Alex: Think! I need details.
Manny: Okay. It was a romantic comedy my now ex-friend Reuben recommended-
Alex: Not about the movie. What day? Focus!
Manny: Okay. Uh, it was Tuesday. But I also ate there again on Saturday, and she wasn't there then either.
Alex: Oh, my God. I bet she doesn't even work there.
Manny: Then where's all this money coming from?
Alex: Do you notice how every single night is just under $60? Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday. She's just hangin' around the mall all day flashing the same cash every night and fooling my parents into buying her a car.

Claire: Are you serious? You are. You don't know. We've had this conversation a hundred times. You know, no. No. I'm not- I'm not doing this again. You tell me what you did.
Phil: Uh-
Claire: "Uh."
Phil: W-Was it-
Claire: "Was it"-
Phil: Ah
Claire: "Ah" No, Phil. No, no, no, no. No! I'm going to get some air.
Phil: Claire. Claire!
Claire: No, don't follow me.
Phil: Happy "Valenbirthaversary"!

Claire: Phil! Phil, you moron! Stop it!
Phil: Oh! I'm sorry!
Claire: It's me, you idiot! What are you doing?
Phil: I'm sorry. I thought you were a raccoon.
Claire: You thought I was a raccoon! Because people look so much like raccoons. Oh, look. There's one now.

Phil: So I'm having lunch with Skip Woosnum, right? Boy, can that guy go on and on. Tangent after tangent. By the way, he turned me on to the greatest thing wedge salad. You gotta try it. Anyhoo, guess who's sitting at the table next to us. My old girlfriend Carla. Yeah. We're gonna grab coffee. She's lost a ton of weight.

Gloria: You didn't do one thing wrong. You do everything wrong! I don't even know why she talks to you.
Phil: She said she was okay.
Gloria: No. No woman is okay with this. We don't forget. We wait. And then, when you least expect it, we make you pay. Chin up. Up!

Jay: So you had a meltdown over that?
Claire: I did. Because ever since I met him, I've been trying to get Phil to try a wedge salad. The minute that Skip Woosnum - whom he doesn't even like - suggests it, Phil thinks it's the greatest thing ever. And he does this with everything. He does it with books, with movies, with TV. He listens to everybody's opinion but mine, and it drives me crazy.

Cameron: Get me your uncle Mitchell.
Luke: I don't know his number.
[Cameron dials and hands the phone to Luke]
Luke: It went to voice mail.
Cameron: Of course it did. Keep trying him until you get him. It's one button. Redial.

Luke: [on the phone] Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.
Cameron: How could you, Mitchell? Honestly! Give me that. You wanna hear the guest list for tonight? So far it's anger, betrayal, terror and sadness! Congratulations, Mitchell! You packed the house.
Mitchell: Cam, I am so sorry.

Mitchell: [on the phone] I'm- I'm gonna fix it. I'll make a big donation.
Cameron: That's not gonna keep them from kicking me off the steering committee when Andrew walks in here and sees a room full of empty chairs!
Mitchell: You know he's not really your archenemy. That's sort of a made-up thing.
Cameron: [high-pitched] Fix it!

Haley: You came!
Claire: Of course, we did. We wanted to see you work.
Phil: We're so proud of you, sweetheart.
Alex: Yeah, we're all proud. So, where's our table?
Haley: Actually, bad news. We're totally booked. We have a ton of reservations.
Alex: Yeah, one's ours. I called. Here it is.