Phil: Well, this is nice. Me, my gals and my beautiful, beautiful wife. Just so you know, I rescheduled with Carla. I penciled her in for the 12th of never.
Claire: That's too bad. I was kind of looking forward to hearing about that one.
Phil: Oh. By the way no one called for you while you were out.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I just wanna make sure you get any messages from any friends that might call, which none of them did.
Alex: Isn't it weird that Haley's the only one here not wearing a name tag?
Phil: If your mother had a name tag, it would say "Good Driver."

Phil: Well, what could be better than drinks with a beautiful woman? And every beautiful woman deserves flowers... cauliflowers.

Phil: All right. What looks good?
Claire: Oh, gosh.
Phil: Ooh, here's something that jumps right off the page.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: I tried this yesterday, thanks to my good friend Skip Woosnum. Claire, do yourself a favor and join me in a wedge salad.
Claire: You have got to be kidding me!
Phil: Just try it. You will thank me.
Claire: Did you learn nothing from last night?
Alex: Whoa.
Phil: It was about the salad?
Claire: I have been recommending wedge salads to you amongst other things, for years, and you never listen to me. And then some idiot suggests it, and you can't wait to try a wedge salad? It makes me feel like I don't matter.

Haley: Thanks a lot, Dad. Mom's little outburst just got me fired.
Phil: Okay. I gotta talk to your mom. You comfort your sister.
Alex: She never worked here!

Phil: I wanna show you something.
Claire: Let me guess. It's a copy of The Book Thief that I begged you to read but you wouldn't until your dental hygienist said it changed her life.
Phil: Remember this?
Claire: Uh-huh.
Phil: It's the first Thanksgiving I spent with your family.
Claire: God, I hated that ponytail.
Phil: I know. You said it made me look like a wimpy bouncer, so I cut it off. Just like I lost the feathered earring. And the van with the beanbag chairs. And I changed my forestry major.
Claire: I get it, Phil. I get it. I am the controlling witch that made you give up everything fun in your life.
Phil: No, no. You're the witch who saved me. Look. Look at this picture. Now look at this guy. You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You've changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a salad here and there but I've got Claire all over me.
Claire: You're about to.

Gloria: [microphone feedback] That's the worst sound in the world.
Jay: Is it?

Mitchell: I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but I need to do a better job of listening to you.
Cameron: No, you did the best you could. Plus, this is double what Andrew had last year for Cello Submarine.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: How are you sitting at a harp and not scoring this moment? Ladies. [snaps fingers]

Jay: [aside to camera] You can't have a successful marriage without being a good listener. Sometimes it takes a little work. Sometimes it takes a lot of work. And sometimes it's just excruciating.