Mitchell: You act like you listen to every single thing that I say, but you don't.
Cameron: Don't I, Mitchell?
[flashback:]
Cameron: Hey, I'm going to the store. Do you need me to pick anything up?
Mitchell: [Mitchell talks intelligibly while brushing his teeth]
[later:]
Cameron: Razor blades, saline solution, black socks, and the new issue of Vanity Fair.
Mitchell: Wow. I don't even remember asking for all that. Thank you.

Jay: How'd this thing come off anyway?
Claire: Well, I was cooking dinner and-
Phil: Right. And the raccoon just walked in the-
Claire: And I already had the door open.
Phil: Right. Which, I had already had ahold of the handle-
Jay: Why don't you two go work on your story and come back?

Haley: I won't be home till late. I have another shift at the restaurant.
Phil: That's our workin' girl. Let the river run, honey.
Haley: Check it. $57 in tips from last night. Holler!
Claire: Honey, that's impressive. You know what? Fifty-seven from you, 57 from us. You keep this up, we are going to be buying you a car by the summer.

Jay: I can't fix this thing.
Claire: What? I need that. I use it every day. Okay, Phil. You wanna take a trip to the mall with me?
Phil: I do...
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Not. If I can possibly avoid it. Claire has this little habit at the mall where sh- I can't even talk about it.

Gloria: Jay, come on. I wanna go home because you said you were going to film me doing the karaoke so I can send it to Colombia to my mother.
Phil: Claire, um, about the mall I was actually gonna run out and get my haircut this afternoon.
Jay: Well, hang on here. Why don't I run Claire down to the mall and you give Phil a haircut? You're always talking about how you miss working at the salon.
Gloria: I guess I could. I do Jay. Why can't I do you?
Phil: You- You can do me.
Gloria: Okay. Let's get this party started. You know that song? # Let's #
Jay: Hey, let's go! Let's go! Wastin' time.

Cameron: [over headset] Luke, how are those chairs coming? Come in.
Luke: I think you should come in. Come in.
Cameron: Oh, now I'm worried about the flow. The eye should go to the harps, not the backs of chairs.
Luke: Are you gonna get upset and start eating all the appetizers again?
Cameron: It is amazing what you notice and what you don't notice. [pointing to Luke's shirt poking out of his fly] Please handle that. I need to think.
Luke: Come on, Luke.

Waitress: Hi there. Is your father home?
Luke: I think so. Why?
Cameron: Oh, oh, the wait staff. Please, Luke, show them to the kitchen, please.

Cameron: Oh, hello, Andrew.
Andrew: Nice chair backs. I just thought you could use this. It's the sign-in book from my event last year. Let me just turn to the blank pages which should be- Oh! No, it's full.
Cameron: Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us. But shouldn't you be getting back home to Donald? That is the name of your cat, isn't it?
Andrew: I'll see you at 7:00.
Cameron: Drive safely. [to Luke] What did I tell you?
Luke: She's even worse than you said.

Gloria: Hold still. You can't move like that. It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird.
Phil: I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense today.
Gloria: I knew it. Something happened. Because when somebody works in a salon, they know when someone needs to talk.
Phil: Actually you might be able to help me with this one. Claire and I got into a huge fight last night, and I'm not even sure what it was about.
Gloria: Was that why you didn't want to go to the mall with her?
Phil: No. That was more about a weird mall habit Claire has.

Claire: [on massage table] Oh, my God, that's good. Oh, oh. Go low, go low, go low, go low. Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Dad Dad, you've gotta get one of these. Oh