Claire: Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine.
Alex: Maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations with the science world. You know, there are only three female PhDs...
Claire: Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but I have to stay alert.

Cameron: Lily, sweetie, open up. We're gonna be late for school.
Lily: I'm not going! Leave me alone!
Mitchell: Another meltdown.
Cameron: She's locked herself in the bathroom. Now don't you wish you'd let me build that outhouse?
Mitchell: Still no.

Haley: [aside to camera] Dylan and I have been taking a baby care class. It's frustrating, because even though he's missed some, he's crushing it. The class, not the practice doll. [clears throat] That was me.

Mitchell: Is Lily still in the bathroom?
Cameron: No, I used Larry's cat box for fun.

Cameron: Really? She needed all of this?
Mitchell: It was totally overwhelming. I just... I just grabbed as much as I could. I have tampons, maxi pads, variety packs. Oh, and this thing called a Diva Cup, 'cause, I don't know, sounded kind of cute.

Gloria: Thank you for including me in this special time. I brought flowers because our Lily's blossoming!
Mitchell: Well, we really appreciate you helping us out.
Gloria: Of course. This is when it's good to have a woman in the house. Not that two men raising a daughter is unnatural in any way.
Mitchell: Pretty sure no one was thinking that.

Gloria: She doesn't need pamphlets. She needs love and support. It's a beautiful rite of passage that is going to connect her with women everywhere.
Alex: Let's not get poetic. It hurts like hell.
Gloria: And that's why I brought all the ingredients to make her a traditional Colombian period poultice, and she can rub it on her belly when she gets cramps.
Alex: Or she could just take some ibuprofen.
Gloria: Oh, but is that going to draw out all of her sins? 'Cause that's why women get their period in the first place.
Cameron: Okay, very helpful. Two equally worthy paths.
Mitchell: Yeah, gotta say I'm leaning toward the pamphlet.

Haley: Hey, how's Lily?
Mitchell: Oh, great. More voices.
Haley: Where is she?
Cameron: She's still locked in the bathroom.
Haley: Damn it! I have two fetuses kicking me in the bladder, and I really have to pee!
Cameron: Okay, well, Larry's litter box is on the porch.
Mitchell: She's pregnant! You can't ask her to go outside and squat ov...
Haley: Be right back!
Mitchell: Gross!
Cameron: You're not better than us, you know.

Luke: Why do you think you're not sleeping?
Phil: I don't know. I guess I got a lot on my mind. Bills, my one numb toe, is Haley gonna be a terrible mom, global warming...
Luke: Back up, back up, back up. Which toe is numb?
Phil: Left foot. The one that goes to market.

Phil: Uh, Desmond, this is my director, Luke.
Luke: I'm your son.
Phil: Aww. You always will be.
Luke: Dad.
Phil: Desmond is the brains behind the best high-end real-estate walkthrough videos. He's helped move more houses than, um... than, uh... What's the... What's the crack that... causes all the earthquakes?
Luke: The San Andreas fault.
Phil: [laughs] That's funny.