Phil: Whether you're a bachelor, a couple, or a flamily. [laughing] "Flamily". I just said "flamily." Wait, is it "flamily"?

Alex: And this one is about hormonal fluctuations that can cause radical mood swings. One minute, you're totally fine, and then the next, you're just...
Lily: [o.s.] Go home, nerd!
Alex: ...lashing out when someone is trying to help you.
Cameron: Okay, well, thank you for helping, and don't take it personally. At least now we know why she called my signature cuffs tackier than the Debbie Reynolds museum.
Mitchell: Y-Yes, that was definitely the hormones talking.

Gloria: Lily!
Lily: [o.s.] Oh, my God. You too?
Gloria: I made you a Colombian poultice.
Lily: Is that what stinks? It's making me sick!
Gloria: We're gonna rub it all over your belly, and it's gonna make you feel better. It's also not terrible on toast with a fried egg.

Jay: Claire, every year, people in this country spend $71 billion on their pets.
Claire: People or just you?
Jay: I got a manufacturer lined up. I'll sell them online, keep the overhead low, go to a bunch of dog shows... super fun. And if I don't lose all the money that I made selling my share of this place, I'm happy.

Jay: Well, if you miss me too much, there'll always be a position for you at Dog Beds by Stella.
Claire: Thank you, but I think maybe it is time I prove myself on my own.
Jay: You sure? 'Cause this could be huge. I got a million dog-bed ideas. I got a hot-dog bun, I got a space capsule, I got an igloo.
Claire: What about one shaped like a dog bone?
Jay: You'll get there.

Dylan: Hey, Mr. D.
Phil: Hey.
Dylan: Are you okay?
Phil: I haven't slept for days, and I screwed up at work today.
Haley: Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
Phil: Well, the cameraman called it "Disaster-piece Theatre," and everybody was like, "Good one, Craig." And you know what? It was. It was a good one, Craig.

Mitchell: Hey, honey? Everyone's gone.
Cameron: And we're sorry we embarrassed you. We should've never included all those people into... this situation.
Mitchell: And just because we're boys doesn't mean we... we can't talk you through your first... [reading pamphlet] "sloughing off of your endometrial tissue."
Cameron: Yeah, "which typically lasts between two and... seven days"?
Mitchell: [whispering] Seven? Oh, my God.
Cameron: [whispering] That's crazy.
Mitchell: [normal voice] Look, Lily, your whole life, it's been... it's been the three of us figuring out stuff together.
Cameron: [normal voice] Yeah, don't you remember in the... in the second grade, when you came home crying because Julie Kwan made fun of your Ricky Martin "She Bangs" lunch box? You didn't want to talk about that, but then, when you finally did, you felt better.
Mitchell: Yeah, you... you don't have to figure this out alone.
Cameron: Yeah, we may not have gone through the exact same thing, but, you know, in the seventh grade, our bodies started changing, too.
Mitchell: Sixth for me.
Cameron: [softly] It's not a competition. [normal voice] And those changes, they were confusing.
Mitchell: Yeah, they were con... confusing and scary and also, um... exciting because, um... you're growing up... Lily. And we're your parents, okay? We are gonna make mistakes, and we are not gonna have all the answers, but when you do want to talk about it, we're... we're here for you.
Cameron: Yeah. We love you.

Haley: Uh-oh. Here comes The Great Snoozedini.
Phil: [wearily] You see before you three ordinary cups. Cups you'd find in any kitchen. Nothing magical about them. Here, we have one new potato. Keep your eye on the cup with the potato. Anybody here from out of town?
Haley: I feel bad. Should we wake him up?
Dylan: Not until we find out where the potato is. It's under that one, right?
Phil: Is the potato here? Is the potato here? Ohh. This trick's a real... lemon.
Haley: [laughs]
Phil: Good night, everyone.
Haley: [gasps] Amazing!
Phil: [snores]