Alex: Hey. I brought Lily some pamphlets. Understanding the biology will help make her more comfortable with her menses.
Cameron: Mensies? How is that not a gay bar for little men? We should...
Mitchell: We're not buying another domain name.

Anna: Okay, everybody. Quick review before we start. At what age can you first give babies solid food?
All: Six months.
Haley: Two years!
Anna: And when you put baby down to sleep, you place him on his...
All: Back.
Haley: Mattress.
Anna: And the fontanelle is...
All: Soft spot.
Haley: A hotel in Miami?

Lily: [o.s.] How many people are out there?!
Cameron: Just a few supportive women.
Manny: Hello, sisters.
Cameron: I must've texted the wrong thread.
Manny: Allow me to talk to the Earth Goddess.

Desmond: [British accent] All right. Let's just take it from, "This is modern California living at its finest."
Phil: And action.
Phil: [British accent] This is modern California living at its finest.
Desmond: Stop! You're doing the British accent again.
Phil: I'm not hearing it!

Jay: No, I listened to what you said, and you're never truly gonna be in charge until I get out of your way.
Claire: You didn't have to do that for me.
Jay: I didn't do it just for you. Every good closet man knows when to hang it up. And I... I think I'm ready for a new challenge.
Claire: Oh, Dad, not window tinting.
Jay: It's like printing money, but no, it's not for me. Here's what I'm excited about. Let me show you. Mm.
Claire: What am I looking at?
Jay: The future. Fun dog beds.
Claire: Oh, my God. This is the pineapple you were doodling.
Jay: Yes! I designed it myself!
Claire: Cool. Cool. So, the pharmacy tracks how all of your medications interact, right?

Phil: [cellphone dinging] Shh! Do you hear that? I can't find my phone.
Luke: I think it's coming from the fruit bowl. [dinging continues]
Phil: Oh, no. I've been doing sleep magic again.

Alex: Good luck with your interview.
Claire: Oh, you know what? I decided to pass on that.
Alex: Why? That's an amazing job, and you were so excited.
Claire: I think I was flattered. Like when you go to a bar and a guy sends you a drink.
Alex: I'm at the leading scientific university in the country. Those guys can't even look their robots in the eye.

Claire: [aside to camera] I was asked to interview for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies, a major player in the snack food industry. The position opened up because it turns out Uncle Ned liked to play fast and loose with his genitals at work.

Alex: Mom, you need to take that interview. Now that they're purging male creeps from executive positions, strong women are finally getting their seat at the table.
Claire: Honey, I already have a seat at the table. In fact, at the head of the table.
Alex: You mean when Grandpa's not there?
Claire: Tables have two heads.

Alex: I'm only bringing out my trademark hard truths because I don't want you to pass up an amazing opportunity in deference to the patriarchy.
Claire: Honey, I have a lot of amazing opportunities at my current job. And isn't Uncle Ned's basically just stoner food?
Dylan: We love Uncle Ned's!
Haley: I miss those.
Claire: [groans]