Alex: You're the one who's gonna lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.
Haley: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did, so it's not really lying.
Alex: Listen to you. Are you gonna be a career criminal?
Haley: Ugh. You sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school.

Mitchell: It was a supportive "wah-wah." I was trying to save the moment.
Cameron: There's no such thing as a supportive "wah-wah." A "wah-wah" by its very nature is vicious and undercutting.
Mitchell: Well, I was just trying to salvage that story, okay? I told you not to tell it, you told it, and it died.
Cameron: It did not die. It's a thinker.
Mitchell: Cam, the only thing people were thinking was, "Thank God this story's over."

Phil: This'll work, right?
Luke: Totally, dad.
Phil: Why have one long table when you can use four little ones bistro style? I'll bet this is how the French do Thanksgiving.

Phil: You don't mind sitting with your Uncle Mitch and, uh, grandpa, do you?
Luke: Anything's better than watching Lily chew.

Phil: By the way, this is the side of your old man that Kenneth was talking about. Original. Imaginative. Fearless.
Luke: So Kenneth became a gajillionaire by asking himself, "What would Phil do?"
Phil: He sure did. Where did that come from? Right?
Luke: But you're you. Why aren't we gajillionaires? Why don't you do what Phil would do?

Claire: Phil, why didn't you just put the extra leaves in the table?
Phil: Trying to have some fun, be creative.
Claire: One long table, honey. If it was good enough for the last supper, it's good enough for us.

Manny: I'm having second thoughts about this centerpiece.
Gloria: Ay, no.
Jay: Hear him out.
Manny: I just think if we bring it to Phil and Claire's, we'll never see it again, right?
Jay: That's the plan.

Manny: So is this the legendary rice pilaf we've been hearing about?
Jay: Try for yourself. Used to make it every year, but it, uh, started to upstage the turkey. Something wrong?
Manny: Not so much wrong as missing. It- It just tastes a little flat.
Jay: That a fact?
Manny: I just think with the earthiness of the rice, you might want something zesty to set it off. I think this might be a job for cumin.
Jay: You know, since we're sharing helpful criticisms-
Gloria: No, no, no, no. Nobody's sharing anything. Manny, go change for the party.
Jay: No, no, no, but I appreciate helpful criticisms. It, uh, it's important for me that I hear the truth. Makes me stronger, less of a mama's boy.

Haley: Then again, backpacking through Europe could be educational in its own way.
Claire: No! No, no! No, no, no! Do you know what's illegal in Europe? Nothing! You are going to college!

Haley: Piece of cake.
Alex: My hair's coming out!