‘Punkin Chunkin’
Season 3, Episode 9 - Aired November 23, 2011
When an old neighborhood kid who was inspired by Phil returns to town as a successful Internet billionaire, Phil wonders what he could have achieved if he had followed his dreams. Jay is worried that Gloria won't tell Manny the truth about his centerpiece. Meanwhile, Cameron is offended when Mitchell questions one of his colorful farm stories.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Oh, good. It's still in one piece. You hit those potholes pretty hard. It's like you didn't see 'em.
Jay: No, I saw 'em.
Manny: Can I be honest with you, Jay? I'm getting the sense that you're not the biggest fan of "Allegria"?
Jay: You got a name for it now? Great. All right. Cards on the table? This is not your best work. Now look, don't get me wrong. You're a talented kid. You're gonna be a big success in the world. But this this is a swing and a miss.
Manny: Well, but my mom said it was-
Jay: It's great, yeah, I know. But how did she say it?
Manny: What do you mean?
Jay: There's a big difference between "It's great," and "It's great." You hear that? "It's great," and "It's great."
Manny: All I hear is a bunch of people telling me I'm great.
Jay: And that's a problem, because a lot of times people will lie to you to protect your feelings, and that's not doing you any favors. You get a lot farther in life if you know what you're good at and what you're not. Now you can handle that, right?
Quote from Gloria
Manny: It's garbage.
Gloria: No, no, no! What are you doing? It's so beautiful!
Manny: Stop the lies. Jay told me the truth.
Gloria: What did you say?
Jay: I mentioned it wasn't his best effort.
Manny: He said it was a swing and a miss.
Gloria: Why?! Why do you say these things, Jay?! It's like I married my mother!
Quote from Claire
Cameron: Jay, why would you do that?
Phil: Because he's a Pritchett. But don't let these negative nellies drag you down, Manny, because one day you could have a trillion-dollar idea that the people who supposedly love you most-
Claire: Okay, Phil! That's it. Go get the head-scratcher.
Phil: The Real Head-Scratcher, "TM"?
Claire: Go get it, and let everybody else decide how many trillions I've cost you.
Quote from Phil
Mitchell: What's going on here?
Phil: We are about to make hat history. Or as I like to call it, "hatstory." Early man had hours and hours to scratch his weary head. But what about today's busy times? Thank you, squire. Great thing about this? You can wear it anywhere. Hit it, buddy. Oh! It's like a thousand tiny angels are line dancing on my sca- Aah. I it looks like we got a slight malfunction in a rear nogginizer. Oh! Shut her down! Shut her down, buddy!
Luke: It's not working!
Phil: My hair! It's got my hair! Okay! Fine. That- I'm fine. Forgot about that feature. It's an exfoliating scrub. Buddy, can you grab the safety shears?
Quote from Jay
Cameron: You know what, Phil? Keep it up. And I admire you and Manny. I know what it's like to stare down skepticism from a loved one.
Mitchell: Cam, not now.
Cameron: Why not now? It's Thanksgiving. Families gather. Issues come up.
Jay: Only if you bring them up.
Quote from Claire
Claire: No, no, no! Hold it! I did not just cook for eight hours so you people could run off to prove some asinine point that's only gonna make half of us feel bad! Come on! Show a little respect.
Phil: Turkey smells great, sweetheart. Is that turkey? Because something smells like chicken.
Claire: Okay, let's settle this.
Quote from Claire
Claire: For the record, I don't squash all of Phil's dreams, just the ones that are, you know, potentially fatal.
Quote from Gloria
Cameron: Okay, everybody, in final launching positions?
Phil: Get ready to eat some crow!
Gloria: It is not as delicious as it sounds.
Quote from Manny
Manny: Maybe if this works, we should launch my centerpiece next.
Jay: It wasn't that bad.
Manny: Your rice pilaf was.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Next one's going through the- The goal thingy, I can feel it!