Phil: [aside to camera] "Ooh, where you from originally?" "I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation!"

Claire: What are they doing up there?
Alex: Nothing, lying in her bed, watching a movie.
Claire: Okay. Okay I'm making a cake for tonight, you wanna help me with the frosting?
Alex: Sure. So, you know if Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?
Claire: What?
Alex: This senior at school was "out sick" for, like, four months, but Jenna Resnick swore she saw her out breastfeeding in an coin-op carwash.

Haley: Can you shut the door, please?
Claire: Actually, we're just go ahead and leave that open.
Haley: Why?
Claire: Because I have, uh, seen this little show before: Lying on the bed with a tall senior. One minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest, and the next you're lying underneath the air-hockey table with your bra in your pocket!
Haley: Mom!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My dad. My dad still isn't completely comfortable with... this. Um, he, he still does this thing. It's been five years now. And he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room were in. Just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss.
Cameron: Wish my mother had that system. Remember?
Mitchell: Not now.

Jay: Knock, knock, we're here! Coming in!
Mitchell: Don't worry, dad, nothing gay going on here. May I take your multicolored coat and your bejeweled cap?

Phil: Hi, Gloria, how are you? What a beautiful dress!
Gloria: Thank you, Phil!
Phil: Oh, okay. [reaches out to touch Gloria's dress, Claire slaps his hand away]
Claire: Phil! That's how she says "Phil," not "feel!"

Jay: So how was your trip?
Mitchell: It was good. It was good, actually, but about that, I have something that I need to tell you guys. We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news.
Jay: Oh, God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving!
Claire: Dad!

Mitchell: Anyway, so about a year ago, Cam and I sort have feeling this longing for something more like, maybe a baby.
Jay: Whoa, that's a bad idea.
Mitchell: What do you mean, bad idea?
Jay: Well, kids need a mother! I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog!
Mitchell: Okay. We're not bored, Dad!
Gloria: I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son.
Claire: I think what Dad is trying to say is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don't handle well.
Mitchell: That's not what's Dad's saying, that's what you're saying. And it's insulting in a whole different way.

Jay: Excuse me. Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. But, uh, what do I know? I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I've been trying all my life to get it right, I'm still screwing up. Right, Manny?
Manny: I wrote a song about you in the car.
Jay: Of course you did. Uh, anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back. [confused murmurs] It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.
Gloria: Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien to escupa en la frente. [I will be the breeze on your back, not who spits in the forehead.]

Woman: Come on, coach! You've gotta take that kid out!
Gloria: You wanna take him out? How about I take you out!?
Jay: Honey, honey.
Gloria: Why don't you worry about your son! He spent the first half with his hands in his pants!