Gloria: What is that?
Manny: A poem I've written for Brenda Feldman.
Jay: Of course it is.
Manny: I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action!
Jay: 'Ey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this.
Manny: I'm eleven years old, what am I gonna do with money?
Jay: What are you gonna do with a sixteen year old?

Alex: Hey, where's uncle Cameron?
Mitchell: Finally, thank you, someone who's not insulting me noticed he's not here.
Jay: So, that's the big announcement. You two broke up. Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that, anyway! And you know, let me tell you, you'll be better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen.
Mitchell: No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, who is, by the way, not that dramatic!
["Circle of Life" from The Lion King begins to play as the lights dim. Cameron walks out cradling Lily in his arms. He holds up her up as a spotlight shines.]
Mitchell: We've adopted a baby. Her name is Lily.
Cameron: Exciting!
Mitchell: Just turn it off.
Cameron: I can't turn it off, it's who I am!
Mitchell: The music!

Jay: The only reason I'm hard on Manny is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself. And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.
Gloria: Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there but you're his family now. And that means only one thing. You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face!
Jay: What?
Gloria: Something my mom always says. It's gorgeous in Spanish.

Jay: [voiceover, turning into aside to camera] "We're from different worlds. Yet we somehow fit together. Love is what binds us. Through fair or stormy weather. I stand before you now with only one agenda. To let you know my heart is yours, Feldman comma Brenda." I mean seriously!

Claire: What did I tell you what happened if you got him a gun? Deal with this!
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No, no, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go!
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterwards, he'll be home at two.
Phil: I can't shoot him at two, showing our house at two.
Alex: What about three?
Claire: No, he's at a soccer game at three, and then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing in five.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Claire: [writing] Shoot Luke.
Phil: Sorry dude, it's on the calendar.

Manny: She has a boyfriend.
Gloria: I'm sorry mi niño.
Manny: I gave her my heart. She gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

Phil: Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?
Luke: I thought I could get out this time.
Alex: I'm just gonna say it he needs to be checked by a specialist.

Jay: Manny, you're with me on this, right?
Manny: I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.
Gloria: Honey, she's 16.
Manny: Oh, it's okay for you to take an older lover?
Jay: Hey, watch it!

Cameron: [aside to camera] Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we expecting the baby. Which has been very difficult. But, apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal primal thing, were it retains nutrients. Some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that's science, you can't- You can't fight it. So...
Mitchell: I'm not saying anything.
Cameron: You're saying everything.

Mitchell: What the hell is that?
Cameron: I had Andre do it when we we were gone.
Mitchell: Is that us? With wings?
Cameron: We're floating above her, always there to protect her.
Mitchell: Well, that's reassuring, right Lily? Yeah, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry, things are normal here. Your fathers are floating fairies! Can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less... gay? By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.
Cameron: Redheaded dad is angry daddy.
Mitchell: No I'm not.
Cameron: Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.
Mitchell: Okay, that's another one, Pepper!