‘Pilot’
Season 1, Episode 1 - Aired September 23, 2009
Jay is upset when somebody confuses him for Gloria's father, while Manny intends to declare his love for an older girl. Phil is forced to be the tough parent when Luke accidentally shoots Alex with a BB gun, while Claire tries to keep Hayley from going too far with her new friend Dylan. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron arrive home from Vietnam with an adopted baby girl.
Quote from Haley
Phil: Kids, get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? When we're way upstairs, just text me.
Quote from Phil
Claire: All right, that's not gonna happen, and, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
Haley: What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil: Sorry? Oh yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart!
Haley: Thanks!
Claire: No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl, you don't need to prove it to them.
Quote from Alex
Alex: Luke just shot me!
Luke: I didn't mean to!
Claire: Are you okay?
Alex: No, the little bitch shot me!
Claire: Language!
Quote from Manny
Manny: I'm quitting soccer, it is a game for children.
Gloria: No, you're not quitting. You would've stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.
Manny: She is not a girl, she is a woman.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Stop the car!
Jay: Where are you going?
Gloria: See, you hurt his feelings.
Jay: Well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then... Oh, jeez, he's picking flowers!
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Okay, what's up?
Mitchell: All right, look, I- I never told my family we were adopting a baby.
Cameron: I know. I know.
Mitchell: You do?
Cameron: Yeah. And I don't blame you, I know your family. You tell them, they say something judgmental.
Mitchell: Exactly!
Cameron: You get mad.
Mitchell: I know, and it's supposed to be nothing, but joyful suddenly turns into this huge fight.
Cameron: Who wants a big emotional scene like that?
Mitchell: Thank you. Thank you, I'm so relieved you understand.
Cameron: I invited them over for dinner tonight.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: I had to! This would have gone on forever. You're an avoider.
Quote from Phil
Phil: You're very strong, Homes.
Dylan: Thanks.
Phil: Okay, nice. Nice soft landing. Okay, I am on my side, so flip me right back and we're good. We'll be good. I just need to get flipped right on my back, we should be fine, so...
Quote from Luke
Phil: Buddy, what are you wearing?
Luke: Nothing.
Phil: Nuh-uh. No jacket, no hat. How many pairs of underwear do you have on?
Luke: One. Six.
Quote from Alex
Alex: First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat, and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew?
Claire: Haley is not getting pregnant!
Alex: I'm just saying if.
Claire: I know, and I know you like to make trouble for your sister, but it's not gonna work this time. You know why? 'Cause your sister is a good girl. I know, I was just like her when I was-