Claire: Phil, honey, remember those gutter covers that we ordered like a year ago? Good news. They shipped!
Phil: [flatly] Wow. That's exciting.
Mitchell: Please kill me if I ever find gutter covers exciting.
Cameron: I know. That marriage is staler than a box of cupcakes at a supermodel retreat.

Jay: I've been you on this. When I was bogged down with work, your mother and I fought all the time. I mean, maybe not about ducks. I'm not a weirdo. But maybe he's mad at you because you're not around.
Claire: But I only took like two trips.
Jay: Just 'cause you're around doesn't mean you're around.
Claire: That's one of those loopy things mom would say.
Jay: I used to pretend that I didn't understand it, too, but I did. Why not just make some time for each other?
Claire: Maybe you're right. Oh, maybe I'll take him for a weekend up North, huh? What do you think?
Jay: Sure. Yeah. Or leave him. You're still attractive. Worked great for me.

Mitchell: I am still in shock about the deal we got on those ice-cube trays.
Cameron: I know. It's like we pulled off the great tray robbery. You know, it says we're supposed to throw them in the dishwasher, but I'm just gonna give them a rinse.
Mitchell: Oh, you are so bad!

Mitchell: It feels good to get stuff done.
Cameron: Yeah, it does!
Mitchell: Aaah. So, other than Lily, we have no real reason to be alive, right?

Cameron: Ooh, I like this song.
Mitchell: Would you like a show to go with it?
Cameron: Mitchell!
Mitchell: Who's Mitchell? I'm Magic Mitch. Welder by day stripper by choice. My unwed sister is seven months pregnant. My mother has some uterine issues not covered by medicare. But if you want to make it rain, I will...

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's been working a lot lately, and it's been... great. It's given me a lot more time for "Battle Beasts of Gar," this massive online role-playing game. And with Cyril's state-of-the-art gaming system, I've been able to take my half-dwarf, half-ox fire mage -- Pyrominiyak -- to a whole new level. Level three! Our guild, Thugsquad, has been trying to plan a raid against our arch-rival guild, led by the ruthless Sexybeast, and I got a text saying it was finally happening. That is, if I could get Claire to be okay with me disappearing for a few hours.

Claire: It's just sometimes I get so caught up in work that even when I am around, I'm not around.
Phil: Mm. So well put. I don't want to beat you up about that. It's healing time now. You know, what I'd love is a few hours at Cyril's house this afternoon.
Claire: With me?
Phil: Actually I was thinking about that role-playing thing I'm into?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Phil and I have, on occasion, adopted various alter-egos to spice up our marriage. Cyril's house does sound kind of perfect for some romance. And I like that Phil wants to move past this, so...

Claire: Did you have a particular genre in mind for this afternoon's game?
Phil: Yes. Medieval fantasy.
Claire: Ah. Great.
Phil: Thank you.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: Oh, Sexybeast, you are gonna get so spanked.

Manny: A person is not a sammich, Joe! Joe, what are you doing?! Joe, let go!

Cameron: What are you doing here?
Luke: Oh, um, my S.A.T. prep group needed a quiet place to study.
Mitchell: You ain't studying acting.