Haley: All clear. Well, that was crazy.
Andy: My ticker hasn't gotten a workout that good since I made the finals of that cup-stacking competition.

Phil: Hey, guys, thanks again for helping me to get that listing.
Mitchell: Cyril's house. Pretty sexy, huh?
Phil: Ridonk. This place makes the Playboy mansion look like an old folks' home. Which I guess it kind of is now.

Haley: [aside to camera] When I was younger, I was a little embarrassed my dad was just a real-estate agent.
But as I got older, I realized, hey, he may not have the coolest job in the world, but he puts food on the table and has access to a bunch of empty houses I can sneak into.

Haley: Wow. Nice pool at the three-bedroom in Hillgrove.
Phil: Well, looky here, one of my kids showing interest in the family biz.
Haley: Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for that. You have to remember so much stuff, like when anyone's gonna be there.
Phil: That's what the datebook's for.
Haley: Plus you have to remember all of those lock-box combinations.
Phil: I just use a very special birthday.
Haley: Aww.
Phil: Houdini's.

Claire: You're bathing with them now?
Phil: They waddled into the garage and got oil on them. And then when they were in here by themselves, all they wanted to do was horse around, so...
Claire: I spent the morning in Berkeley and the afternoon in Portland. I deserve to feel clean again. But now the nice, soothing tub that I've been dreaming about all day is filled with feathers and motor oil and probably bird flu. So, no. No. You just sit tight, and I will use the hose in the backyard.

Andy: Mr. Dunphy? Is that you? Haley?
Haley: Andy, wh- Uh, what are you doing here?
Andy: Setting up for an open house tomorrow. What are you d- Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?!

Andy: Oh! Oh, my god.
Haley: Relax, I'm okay.
Andy: No. Isn't this the tub from the Lil Wayne video?

Andy: I put our clothes in the dryer. I made an executive decision, went with the Irish Mountain dryer sheets.
Haley: What does an Irish Mountain smell like?
Andy: We'll find out in [Irish accent] 30, 35 minutes.
Haley: Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay?
Andy: I suppose I could do you that wee favor.
Haley: Do me a second favor-
Andy: [normal voice] Yeah, I don't love it, either.

Andy: But for what it's worth, Beth and I are not perfect. Things come up when you plan a wedding.
Haley: Really? There's such a thing as Mormon drama?
Andy: There was when Beth's uncle found out we're serving coffee at the reception.

Haley: Oh, god, is that my dad?
Andy: [Irish accent] 'Tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!